Monday, March 19, 2012

Your Imagination, My Reality

(At least trying)

How has my voice become so silenced?

When did I let fear of judgment take over?

Why did I allow what others think of me control my thoughts and actions?

My life has been a roller coaster ride for many years now, and I am not sure how I let others influence me so much. Almost 3 ½ years ago my life was forever changed. I never thought I would never survive the death of Mckenna. But here I am and doing the best I can. I live on my own, I own my own car, I work full time, and go to school full time. Yes I have rough days, yes I cry, yes I am sad, but is that really a bad thing? Is 3 ½ years too long to “still” have really rough days? I think the answer to that question is NO!!! Many people have told me they couldn’t imagine losing a child. They would just die if one of their children died. What do you think that tells someone who’s child has died?? I often wonder what they would REALLY do if one of their children died. How would they be if they were in my shoes? I meet parents all the time who have lost a child or children to death and we all find ways to survive.

Can you tell me if your child died you would go back to “normal”?

Many people don’t know what it’s like to go from a wife and mother to nothing in a matter of 3 months. Many don’t know what it’s like to try and find your way alone. Many don’t know what it’s like to drown in such guilt and shame that it almost kills you. Many don’t know what it’s like to be the reason your daughter took her last breath. No one knows what it’s like to hold their lifeless daughter in their arms, telling her to breath for mommy as two tears roll down their child’s face, many don’t know what it’s like to hold their child while the Dr looks you in the eyes and tells you her heart has stopped beating. Many don’t know what it’s like to hold their dead child singing and rocking her knowing it was the last time they would ever hold her again. Many could NEVER even begin to imagine doing any of those things and yet I have. No amount of time will ever take away the pain of Mckenna dying; no pill will “cure” me from the longing and yearning I feel every day. In a moment it takes my breath away.  I think, is this really real? Did she really die? This is really my life? Yes EVEN after 3 ½ years I think these thoughts. I sleep with her pajamas every night, I still don’t have her pictures up in my apt, I STILL miss her every day.

Wouldn’t you??

Before you judge a bereaved parent try and take a moment to step inside their shoes. Try and just imagine waking up tomorrow without your child, what does that look like for you? Try and just imagine living the rest of your life without EVER seeing, touching, holding, watch grow, take their first steps, say their first words, go to school, go to prom, get married, have children of their own, and all the things in between………

Can you even imagine it???

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