Ladybug Landing

Last night I finally had to face what I have feared since starting at PCH.....a child with injuries due to a television falling on them.  I was floated to a different floor. When looking at my assignment I noticed a lot of traumatic brain injuries listed (this happens to me a lot). This always breaks my heart and I am always curious of what happened to them. I went about my daily routine, I go and get report from the nurses. The last nurse I came to starts giving me report on one of the patients. As she is giving report I asked what happened to the child and she said, "a television fell on her head" I said, "say that again" because I wasn't quite sure I understood. At this point I am holding back the strong emotions, fighting the tears and wanted to run and never look back. I immeditatly go to the breakroom because I could feel the panic and tears building. I stand there for a moment trying to figure out what to do. My mind is racing a million mil...

I have never loved someone the way that I love Mckenna. I have never MISSed someone the way I MISS Mckenna. I have never felt the pain I feel MISSing Mckenna. My soul has been scarred from the pain. There are no words to describe what this life feels like to live everyday without my one true love. How to navigate through all the emotions that you face. Living with the responsiblity, the blame, the memories. I have been on this journey for 3 years 6 months and 13 days and yes I have learned more in this time than I have in my 28 years on earth. Yes I have come so far in my grief from even just 6 months ago, but the MISSing is the same. The ache in my chest, the knot in my stomach, the shivers down my spine, are all still present. I am planning a birthday celebration for my dead child, those words should not come out of a mother's mouth. I should be tucking her in at night, watching her grow and learn, teaching her the alphabet, learning her letters. I should be a mom to her on e...

In August of 2008 I started planning Mckenna's 1st birthday. I was making the guest list, picking a location, choosing the food and getting so excited to celebrate Mckenna's 1st birthday. That day never came and now she would be turning 5. How did that even happen? This has been hard for me to come to terms with. I am struggling to find a balance to all the emotions this birthday is bringing up. I am still 6 months away and my anxiety is threw the roof. All the details of the party have consumed my thoughts. The theme, who to invite, decorations, food, what to do, how to honor, yet celebrate her life. So many details to planning a party and it seems to be different when you are planning a party for a little girl who isn't physically here. I wanted to have a party for her this year because 5 is a big deal. It's the start of becoming a little girl, the start of school, the start of losing her teeth, learning to read and write. These are big mile stones that I will...