Ladybug Landing

There are over 200,000 words in the dictionary and yet sometimes I find it hard to come up with one to describe what it is like to live day to day without my child. Everyday is different and deserves a different word for that day. Many of my days I have decided that I am just numb to it all. I am detached at times, content some days. So many emotions can happen in just a single day I can go from joyful and content to distant and in a fog . These days I am just feeling empty and numb . I am on edge and anxious . My heart aches and my mind is forgetful . I am distant and discombobulated . I am thankful for the time I had, but broken from the things I am missing. I am tired of feeling this way just plain tired of watching everyone around me get what I should have. I am jealous and envious of those that get to watch their children grow and reach milestones. There are so many words to try and describe what it is like but none of them can do justice to the pain that losin...

Seriously? Why do the holidays always put in a place that I feel I can't get out of? Went to Target today and could feel the anxiety build as everywhere you turn  bam Christmas stuff,  bam little blond haired blued eyed girls,  bam Christmas kids colthes. I could feel the ache in my chest, the tears start to form, the urge to just run away screaming. I never got the chance to shower Mckenna with gifts, I never got the chance to see her face light up with excitment from a new toy, I never got to start a tradition. Christmas should be a happy time of year a time when family gets together, making new memories. Everywhere I turn it slaps me in the face and I can feel her absence all around me. My arms are empty, my heart is broken and I can feel the darkness fall apon me. Oh how I wish I could just sleep through December and wake up like it never happened. All I want for Chrismas is my daughter back, oh only if there was a real Santa Claus..........

Wow! What can be said about the MISS Barefoot Walkabout to Remember??? So many emotions that ran through my body and that came to the surface as I took those painful steps. When we began this walk I was bound and determined to make it to the top and back down completely barefoot. Last time my feet wouldn't allow me to get down to the bottom, and I wasn't going to let that happen this time around. The first steps were a piece of cake and seemed to go much smoother. As I continued up the path I noticed that the only place I was looking was just in front of me and where I was going to step next. I looked at the person in front of me and sometimes I followed their path but other times I went my own way because I saw that her steps weren't where I wanted to go. Step after step I was concentrating so much on just those steps in front of me I forgot to look around me at the beauty. I wasn't looking at the bigger picture. This phrase "the bigger picture" has been...