Ladybug Landing

This is my reality, this is in my head every day, this is my memory of the day and night that I lost my mom….. I call you, no answer (you will call me back) This is your new pattern, don’t pick up, don’t call back (slow worry sets in) Call again (why aren’t you answering? Please pick up) Continue on with my day (call mom again later, you will answer, you're just napping) Call again, no answer (What the hell mom why aren't you answering…….you're fine, probably drinking) Go to my internship, worry on the back of my brain Call again, no answer (ok this is not like you mom, please answer your phone so I know you’re ok) Call Brandon, maybe he has heard from you (nope, well shit, you're ok, you have to be ok) Driving home (I will check on you tomorrow) Nope tomorrow is too long, check on you now. (you're ok, I know you're ok) Put the key in the door, deep breath Lights are off, TV is on. I slow...

I have been on this journey of going to school in Houston for months now. It has been my every focus and thought since Aug/Sept. I wanted to go to Houston so bad because it was what I felt I needed. It was a clean start with a great opportunity to grow and step outside of my comfort zone and get a great education. I went for a visit last month and to be honest I wasn’t overly impressed with Houston. The school was beautiful and old and the social work program is rather impressive. There were things I liked and things I didn’t like about the program, but overall it seemed to be a good program. Though I struggled with Houston as a whole. The city, the people, it was all very overwhelming for me and kind of discouraging. I came home not as excited and was kind of disappointed. Ever since coming home something about it didn’t feel right. This past week I have felt somewhat lost and nervous about feeling this way after all these months of making these plans. Then I had a conver...

For years people have said to me, “it’s not your fault”, “don’t blame yourself”, “it was an accident”, and those words have always hurt me. Many may not understand why it would hurt me but many do not know what it is like to kill their daughter…unintentionally. Those words may be uncomfortable for others to hear or even say, but they are truth, they are my truth. I did not intend for the accident to happen, I did not drop the television on purpose, I did not mean to kill my daughter, but it is what happen…unintentionally. My hands moved the tv that fell on my daughter, the tv that took her life. I have replayed what happened in my head thousands of times, the moment that changed my life forever. Many could not comprehend what it was like to have this vibrant, happy, healthy, beautiful baby playing, following me around carefree because she had nothing to fear and the next she is laying under a television that you moved….gone in a matter of seconds. That moment has taken my brea...