Ladybug Landing

I miss writing and said last year that I would start writing more and it never happened so I gave up my other blog because it was costing me money and since I didn't use it I wasted money. So back to my old blog it is.  I am now 5 months into being a mom again and boy has it been interesting. I thought I remembered so much about Mckenna's life, but as it turns out I don't. I don't remember these early months and especially the newborn stage. I guess sleep deprivation might have something to do with that. I feel I am doing things differently this time around and on one hand that is wonderful but on the other it makes me kind of sad knowing I am parenting differently because of my life experience. Mckenna had the young naive mom who went with societal "norms". I must admit that social media has made me feel worse about how I want to parent because it feels like it's the "wrong" way. I didn't have that influence with Mckenna but still must have ...

I started this blog 11 years ago! I would love to get back to writing more. Used to love to write and express my thoughts, emotions and life experiences. It’s very vulnerable to do this type of writing but one of the things I am working on personally is letting go of what others think about me. One of the quotes I heard from AA is "what other people think of me is none of my business." It’s not easy but necessary for my mental health.   I wrote down some intentions for 2022 and Matt pointed out to me that what I put down aren’t exactly measurable. So, I had to think deeply about what those intentions looked like. One of the intentions was to learn to let go. Since that one is not measurable, thought I would share why it’s on my list.   I have a tendency of holding onto what others may think about me, the person they think I am and my intentions. The key word is may think of me. I assume a lot and that gets me into trouble with my thoughts. I get in my head and m...

It has been 12 years since my heart shattered in a million pieces. 12 years since I last held, kissed, and loved on my daughter. In these 12 years I have been to the bottom of a dark hole clawing my way out, to the peak of joy holding onto the light. I never thought I would ever survive her loss. I wanted to die more times than not. I wanted her back so desperately I got lost in the dark for many years. It took time but I have found my way to the light and more days than not are filled with light, joy, laughter and love. Dark days still come and I ache for my daughter, I long for her and desperately want her back, but I have learned to sit in those days and allow grief to wash over me because it’s the love that washes over me too. I honestly welcome those days because in a weird way it’s the days I feel closest to her. Grief is always and forever changing but one thing remains the same and that is love.    It is the first year I have not done a big red and black day. I did not...

Birthdays are for reflection of the years that have come and gone. It’s about seeing the person you have grown to be thus far. It’s a day to see your soul as it is and just be with where you are in this moment in time.  35 years old today! Being 35 is a big deal in my world. As I have been reflecting and thinking of my years that have come and gone, It feels like it has been a blink of an eye and yet also has moved at snails speed. I feel I have lived a lifetime in my 35 years. For many, many years my birthday was hard to celebrate. It was often met with pain at the death of my father the day before my birthday and my mother shortly after my birthday. As time has gone on, I am now able to celebrate the day I was brought into this world. It’s incredibily special to be celebrated by those who love you and are glad you were born.  I grow every day and I learn more about the person I am and the person I want to be. I have spent the last almost 11 years since Mckenna...

Growing up I went to my Nana and Papa's house frequently. She would keep us weeks at a time in the summers. Nana was for a grandmother but also didn't take any back talk or attitude. When I was 10 years old, I moved in with Nana and Papa. My room was downstairs, without a door and had the washer and dryer in the room. Eventually they put on saloon like doors for a little privacy. I lived there until I turned 13. Big years living with your grandparents. Vital years really, but I wouldn't have had it any other way. I always felt connected to my Nana. We were a lot a like. I still wonder what she would think of me now and how I turned out. I would help around the property, help plant cactus (and laugh hysterically together after because we were so sweaty and gross), helped feed the animals, water the trees, water the plants, ride my bike all the time. I actually played out doors every day. Sometimes I was allowed to eat ice cream for dinner when no one wanted to c...

Not long ago one of my soul sister friends said to me, fight for your healing. This has been weighing heavy on my heart lately because I have not been fighting for my healing.   Those who know me very well know that I am kind of a melancholy person. I have always been this way even as a child. I guess maybe I was born this way and when you are born with a certain personality trait it is hard to be anything else. I may not be able to fully get rid of the inner melancholy but I can at least try and find things that bring me out of my shell, things that make me laugh, things that require me to step outside of my comfort zone. Sitting in my room by myself all the time is not healthy (yes I still do this).  Darkness continues to fall upon me more often than not. The older I get the harder it is to wade through the dark to find the light. I try and allow it to come and go but when it comes so frequently I become discouraged and disappointed in myself causing the cyc...

On this day 4 years ago I found my mom dead in her bed. Over the years I have expressed what that moment felt like and still 4 years later there are no words to adequately put to words what that moment was like. I am not sure how it has been 4 years already and I miss her just as much now as I did the day I found her. The grief has shifted and I am able to carry it differently but I still miss her. 4 years ago I was angry with her. Alcoholism is a hard disease to manage when it has consumed one of the most important people in your life. I lost my mom before she died. I lost the mom I knew she was deep inside that dark hell she lived in. I couldn’t save her. It has taken a long time for me to process her death and her life. I couldn’t save her because I was her daughter and she needed to be able to save herself. But I tried my hardest to save her, or I thought I tried my hardest. I still feel I am not able to forgive myself for walking away from her a few days before she di...