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This is 35....



Birthdays are for reflection of the years that have come and gone. It’s about seeing the person you have grown to be thus far. It’s a day to see your soul as it is and just be with where you are in this moment in time. 

35 years old today! Being 35 is a big deal in my world. As I have been reflecting and thinking of my years that have come and gone, It feels like it has been a blink of an eye and yet also has moved at snails speed. I feel I have lived a lifetime in my 35 years. For many, many years my birthday was hard to celebrate. It was often met with pain at the death of my father the day before my birthday and my mother shortly after my birthday. As time has gone on, I am now able to celebrate the day I was brought into this world. It’s incredibily special to be celebrated by those who love you and are glad you were born. 

I grow every day and I learn more about the person I am and the person I want to be. I have spent the last almost 11 years since Mckenna’s death painfully searching for me. The person I want to be merging with the person I already am at my core. It is not easy to look in the mirror at some of your personality traits, how you act or react, your core human characteristics, but there is always room to continue to grow and change. I am always wanting to be the best version of myself. I am not good at it 100% of the time, but I learn from my mistakes and I try and do better always. 

I am loving my soul more and more the older I get. I know deep at my core I am a good human being with a huge heart, empathy for all beings, love, kindness and compassion. I have become more accepting of who I am, the good, the bad and the ugly. I correct myself when needed, I apologize when I have been wrong or hurt someone, I love with everything I have and hope those that I love know what they mean to me. I have grown to accept my body, my looks and style. I do my best to not compare myself to others (which I am still working on). I am learning to stand up for what I want or don’t want. All of this comes with age and experience. It will continue to evolve and change over time, but right now it feels pretty darn good to feel good in my skin.  

Since turning 30, my life has taken a huge turn. I am going to be married soon and build a life and family with an amazing man who loves me for me. He has brought such light to my life. A light I never ever thought I would find. I am no long submerged in the dark trying to claw my way out. I am comfortably in the dark and in the light. I can be in both and embrace what they both mean. The dark no longer scares me because I know when it comes, his light will bring me out when I am ready. It continues to take practice to be happy. Which may sound strange to some but when you have been through years of trauma, pain, heartache it becomes your normal. It becomes the biggest part of your life. For me, that is no longer the case. It is a part of who I am, but not the only part. It is easy to always wait for the next shoe to drop and live in constant fear for the next death or traumatic experience. It causes you lose sight of the present and life as it is in this moment. It will happen again and I don’t know how I will react, but I will have someone by my side and me by his and we will get through it together. 

Here’s to turning 35. This will be a HUGE year with so many amazing things to come. 

Comments

  1. Celeste WatsonJuly 3, 2019 at 2:09 AM

    Ashley, I found your name when I stumbled onto the story of your honoring McKenna's birthday by paying for another child's birthday cake. I am so glad to find this birthday post ❤️ I just wanted to send some love, admiration, and prayers for a beautiful life, lived in peace and grace as you celebrate your wedding and the completion of the first month of your 36th trip around the sun!
    McKenna and my granddaughter share the same birthday, 12/27. I will honor them both by doing a similar random act of kindness, and hold you and McKenna in thought and prayer on that day ...

    With admiration, and every wish for you to have much happiness ahead in your life!!

    ReplyDelete

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