Not long ago one of my soul sister friends said to me, fight for your healing. This has been weighing heavy on my heart lately because I have not been fighting for my healing.
Those who know me very well know that I am kind of a melancholy person. I have always been this way even as a child. I guess maybe I was born this way and when you are born with a certain personality trait it is hard to be anything else. I may not be able to fully get rid of the inner melancholy but I can at least try and find things that bring me out of my shell, things that make me laugh, things that require me to step outside of my comfort zone. Sitting in my room by myself all the time is not healthy (yes I still do this).
Darkness continues to fall upon me more often than not. The older I get the harder it is to wade through the dark to find the light. I try and allow it to come and go but when it comes so frequently I become discouraged and disappointed in myself causing the cycle of self loathing. Living life isn’t easy for someone like me. Something has to change but I know I am the only one who can make those changes.
The questions that go through my mind are, where do I begin when it feels so overwhelming? How do I allow myself to be completely vulnerable without fear taking over? How do I get the life I envision when darkness seems to be so powerful?
I am not getting any younger and life is passing me by. Fear holds me back and that fear is holding me back from truly living. With all the experience and personal knowledge of how short life is, you would think this human experience wouldn’t be such a struggle.
I'm sure I have been on this quest before and have written about it but maybe now I am ready to try harder to live life and fight for my healing. I need to do something or else the darkness may take over and I won’t come out the other side….here's to fighting for my healing.
Ashley - you are so brave. You asked a question above -"How do I allow myself to be completely vulnerable without fear taking over?"....well, with this post you just DID! Stepping right through the fear and sharing your truth! That's full blown courage!! Walking with you my friend, and loving you as you claim your healing!!
ReplyDeleteThank you for walking with me and loving me. It's not an easy journey. Thank you for your support. No words can express my gratitude for the support. ❤
ReplyDeleteAshley, thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your heart. I find that each time I brave a step, I allow myself to open up more to my healing. I relate so much to that melancholy trait. For so long it was almost impossible to let Joy into my life. I was resistant to let go of my armor. It kept me safe and seemingly out of situations that would have me feel pain, or shame. I isolated myself from the world on my dark days. Isolation ultimately lead me to my deepest shame. I stayed in a unhealthy relationship far longer than I should have. I numbed myself and was spiritually bankrupt. I eventually stumbled upon my tribe, I've had many magical moments of breaking opening leading to a tremendous sense of being love and pure joy in my heart. We are all one big tribe on this earth, walking each other home. I am with you. Much love for being brave enough to open up this conversation and reflection to us. #togetherweheal
ReplyDeleteHello Danielle, thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog and comment. You described exactly how I am feeling. I guess I am not alone in the thoughts and feelings. I am trying to work through this and find my way out the other side. I so appreciate your words of love. <3
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