Learning to Let Go

I started this blog 11 years ago! I would love to get back to writing more. Used to love to write and express my thoughts, emotions and life experiences. It’s very vulnerable to do this type of writing but one of the things I am working on personally is letting go of what others think about me. One of the quotes I heard from AA is "what other people think of me is none of my business." It’s not easy but necessary for my mental health.

I wrote down some intentions for 2022 and Matt pointed out to me that what I put down aren’t exactly measurable. So, I had to think deeply about what those intentions looked like. One of the intentions was to learn to let go. Since that one is not measurable, thought I would share why it’s on my list.

I have a tendency of holding onto what others may think about me, the person they think I am and my intentions. The key word is may think of me. I assume a lot and that gets me into trouble with my thoughts. I get in my head and my thoughts get consumed and obsessed with my assumptions. I have always been the type to hate when someone doesn’t like me. I always feel I have done something wrong, said something wrong and can’t let it go. It is especially painful when I have done something and there is no fixing it. How do you let go when there is no resolve? How do you move forward when you know how someone feels about you and it’s nothing but hate? That is why it’s an intention. It is out of my control and none of my business. What is my business is learning and growing so I am a better human. What is my business is knowing who I am and believing it. What is my business is my family and what I bring to their life. Allowing others to make me not want to live because I feel I am a horrible person needs to be a thing of the past. I am very emotional and sensitive so it makes it challenging to stand in my truth and let things roll off my back. But if I do not learn this huge lesson I will never fully grow.

2021 was a year of a lot of challenges and loss. Loss of Ellis and another pregnancy, loss of a friend, loss of our sweet Vander. I have had worse years in my life but last year proved to me the kind of person I am growing to be. I never want to get bitter, angry, distant, mean by what life tends to throw at me. I want each experience to shape me to be more compassionate, empathetic, kind, generous. Mostly to be kind and compassionate to myself. And that begins with letting go and remembering what others think of me is none of my business. Here is to a healthier version of who I am.

What are some intentions you made for yourself in the new year?

Comments

Graduation, Weeping Willows and Love

I have often thought about the analogy of trees and wind. Trees need to be flexible when the winds blow or they would break and not survive the storm. Rigid, stubborn trees trying hard to go against the wind grow tired, weary and broken. Fluid and flexible trees go with the flow of the wind, bending and bouncing back after a storm. When I began my journey of becoming a social worker I was the stubborn rigid tree trying hard to control everything around me falling apart in the process. This became more of a challenge than allowing the wind to do what it does and go with whatever direction it goes. It was exhausting. I would come unhinged quickly, shut down and not stay with my emotions. Friends have told me that they saw it happen right before their eyes. 2 years ago I started the MSW program. I was fragile, unstable, rigid, shut down, broken and lost. I never thought the day would come for me to get my Master’s. Graduation felt like a million years away. Every class...

I Would Have a 7 Year old...Sigh

I would have a 7 year old, a 7 year old!! Sometimes that thought fills my heart with sadness. How could she be dead? How could my baby girl be dead? I watched a short video of her last night and it’s hard to believe that she was mine. It’s hard to believe that I gave birth to this amazing, beautiful, curious, old soul. I have often said I can’t imagine my life without Mckenna. I live everyday without her. I still cannot visualize never having her, never knowing her, never holding her, kissing her, loving her, as my life would not be the same without her ever existing. I may not have made the best decision staying with my ex husband back when I knew he cheated, however, if I had left him then I would have never had her. That is not a thought I can even begin to imagine. I would make the same choice if I had to live it again because she was worth the pain I went through all those years. I miss my daughter, I miss being her mom, I miss my life as a her mom, she was my pa...

Closing the Book of my Childhood...

Growing up I went to my Nana and Papa's house frequently. She would keep us weeks at a time in the summers. Nana was for a grandmother but also didn't take any back talk or attitude. When I was 10 years old, I moved in with Nana and Papa. My room was downstairs, without a door and had the washer and dryer in the room. Eventually they put on saloon like doors for a little privacy. I lived there until I turned 13. Big years living with your grandparents. Vital years really, but I wouldn't have had it any other way. I always felt connected to my Nana. We were a lot a like. I still wonder what she would think of me now and how I turned out. I would help around the property, help plant cactus (and laugh hysterically together after because we were so sweaty and gross), helped feed the animals, water the trees, water the plants, ride my bike all the time. I actually played out doors every day. Sometimes I was allowed to eat ice cream for dinner when no one wanted to c...

Ladybug Landing

Search This Blog