Ladybug Landing

There are people that come into your life and they change you forever. They open their hearts and soul to you and are in your life at just the right moment. Sometimes those relationships are just that, in the right moment. I have some of the most amazing people in my life. The people who love me unconditionally and love me for ME, ALL of me. I don't come with terms and conditions. There are times in my life that I can't live the way others feel I SHOULD be living. I can only live for the life that I AM living. I wake up everyday to an empty apt, I go to work, I go to school, I "live" my life the best way I can. Even though it has been over 3 1/2 years since Mckenna, I STILL grieve for her. I am STILL consumed with her because she was my daughter, IS my daughter. Many can not imagine losing a child. Many can not imagine going through what I and what others are living everyday. Sometimes I can't believe I am living this life myself. I am who I am and that is a...

What is it like to attend a memorial service for a patient? What is it like to attend your very first memorial service since Mckenna’s death? How do you look at a broken hearted momma in the eyes for the first time after caring for their daughter? It isn’t easy going to a patient’s memorial, especially a young girl who died so young. It is especially difficult when it is your first service since the death of your own daughter. I chose to go to the service held at PCH since I could not attend the funeral because I needed to hug her mom. It was all I could think about since I heard the news of her daughters death. I saw her open the door and my heart dropped; there she was broken hearted, with such sad eyes. I sat there holding my breath trying to hold my tears as I watched her sob in the arms of people who loved her daughter and loved her. I finally gave her a hug and whispered in her ear, I know you are overwhelmed, just take it one min at a time sometimes one second when that is ...

(At least trying) How has my voice become so silenced? When did I let fear of judgment take over? Why did I allow what others think of me control my thoughts and actions? My life has been a roller coaster ride for many years now, and I am not sure how I let others influence me so much. Almost 3 ½ years ago my life was forever changed. I never thought I would never survive the death of Mckenna. But here I am and doing the best I can. I live on my own, I own my own car, I work full time, and go to school full time. Yes I have rough days, yes I cry, yes I am sad, but is that really a bad thing? Is 3 ½ years too long to “still” have really rough days? I think the answer to that question is NO!!! Many people have told me they couldn’t imagine losing a child. They would just die if one of their children died. What do you think that tells someone who’s child has died?? I often wonder what they would REALLY do if one of their children died. How would they be if they were in my sh...

If you really knew me you would know that: 1. I MISS my daughter EVERYDAY!!!! 2. I can put on a smile though I am dying inside. 3. I am funny (sometimes) 4. I am sensitive to words. 5. I love deeply. 6. I am shy. 7. I can sit in silence for hours and not notice the quiet. 8. I don't cry very easily at sad, happy, bittersweet movies. 9. I am very independent. 10. I miss the old days. 11. I struggle with judgement. 12. I avoid painful memories. 13. I don't cry often. 14. I love romantice comedy movies. 15. I love Disney movies. (Belle is my favorite) 16. I don't like steak. 17. I don't like bacon. 18. I love to cook (but don't anymore). 19. I sleep with Mckenna's pajama's every night and don't travel anywhere without them in my carry-on. 20. I care too much 21. I worry about what other people think. 22. I struggle working at PCH more often than people know. 23. Sometimes I have anxiety when it rains 24. I forgive but NEVER forget ...

When your a child all you want to do is grow up and make your own decisions, live your own life and not answer to anyone. What we don't realize as children in how complicated life is the older you get. Having to work, pay bills, juggle work and family life, juggle relationships, friendships, worry about so much more than whether or not you can go outside and play with your friends. As I have grown older life has been more than complicated. I have been through a lot in my 27 years on earth and I know since I have survived the unthinkable I can get through anything, but sometimes the smallest things can bring me to my knees without warning. I am always surprised by my reactions to some of the smallest bumps in the road. I often wonder if it is because there are so many open wounds that I have not allowed to heal, because healing some of the wounds causes so much pain. These past few weeks I have been in a fog and in not such a good place. I hardly remember the months of Sept, Oct a...

3 years ago today I held my beautiful daughter while her heart stopped beating, 3 years ago today I held her, kissed her and touched her for the very last time,   3 years ago today I walked out of the hospital empty handed leaving a part of me with her.   Nothing I have ever experienced in my life will ever be as painful as it has been losing Mckenna and learning to live life without her. My whole life changed and not in just the obvious ways, my mind changed, my thinking changed, I physically and emotionally change. I   touched places within myself I never knew existed. I am still amazed at the fact that I am still standing 3 years later. NEVER did I imagine I would be where I am today. I remember lying on my floor sobbing, clinging to her pajamas just trying to get through the seconds not even being able to look past the minute. In the past 3 years I have grown in ways I never thought possible. I have learned to laugh and have joy again. I have learned that this is a...

Over the past year or so I have had the strong urge to apply at PCH. I was too scared and thought I was crazy for even considering it, so I put it in the back of my brain. Well as we know when you put things in the back of your brain they have a tendency to sneak back into the front. So I have battled this overwhelming urge to apply for many months till one day I felt it was time and applied. I applied for many positions and never got a call back, so I figured it just wasn’t my time. Until I got an email saying another PCT job opened up so I said to myself, one more time and if I don’t get it I will put it to rest for a little while longer. Well a couple days later I got a call back. I was excited, scared, nervous, thrilled and called them back to set a day for an interview. Honestly I didn’t think I did well in the interview and realized that I need to get some better interview skills. Well 2 days after my interview I got a call late on a Fri evening saying I have been offered a po...