Over the past year or so I have had the strong urge to apply at PCH. I was too scared and thought I was crazy for even considering it, so I put it in the back of my brain. Well as we know when you put things in the back of your brain they have a tendency to sneak back into the front. So I have battled this overwhelming urge to apply for many months till one day I felt it was time and applied. I applied for many positions and never got a call back, so I figured it just wasn’t my time. Until I got an email saying another PCT job opened up so I said to myself, one more time and if I don’t get it I will put it to rest for a little while longer. Well a couple days later I got a call back. I was excited, scared, nervous, thrilled and called them back to set a day for an interview. Honestly I didn’t think I did well in the interview and realized that I need to get some better interview skills. Well 2 days after my interview I got a call late on a Fri evening saying I have been offered a position working nights. I was more than thrilled and excited. I thought, finally I am following my gut and going to a place I have always wanted to work, making a change that I needed and moving forward with my Social Worker career. Getting my foot in the door and knowing that this is where I am supposed to be. Well fast forward one month, all that excitement has faded into pure fear, anxiety and doubts. Fear of being surrounded by triggers, sick children, being in the same space where Mckenna passed away. Anxiety that I don’t know if I can handle it, what feelings it is going to bring and has already brought. Doubts that I made the right decision to leave my comfort zone and make this big of a change during this time of year. The unknown is a scary thing, meeting new people, and taking care of kids is totally different than the elderly. It’s a whole different level of thinking and I am TERRIFIED. This has not been an easy month for me and most people have no idea what taking this job has done to me emotionally. Tomorrow is my first day on the floor and when I think about it I get anxious, stomach aches, I feel like I am going to jump out of my skin, my heart races, it’s been a little overwhelming to be honest. I am sure as time goes by I will start to see that this was a good decision and I am where I am supposed to be. I keep telling myself that in order to make myself feel like taking this job wasn’t a HUGE mistake. PCH is where I lost the love of my life, but is also the place that has touched my soul in a way that I can’t describe. I just hope I can give those kids what they need, and the parents a little peace and calmness. Hoping for a good first week and a career that I have stepped into because of a little girl who changed my life the min she was born. Hope I make you proud Mckenna love and MISS you pumpkin pie.
10 years ago today, I experienced the second worst day of my life. I found my mother dead in her bed. Even 10 years later, when I say those words it takes my breath away. I know it's not a very delicate way to say it but it's the truth. I don't relive every detail like I did for many years. For years, following her death, I couldn't get those images out of my head. Every detail from the moment I unlocked the door, to the funeral home taking her away. Each moment played out often. What an absolutely awful day it was. The days leading up to her death also haunted me. I always felt I didn't do enough. She died sad and alone in an apt that was horrible. I had reached a point in her alcoholism of distancing myself. I couldn't handle the heartache and the broken promises and the constantly finding her drunk and the drunk phone calls. I distanced myself and she died. The what if's, the shoulda, coulda, woulda's were ruthless. I still hear her voice the last ti
Comments
Post a Comment