Wow, Has It Really Been 3 years........

3 years ago today I held my beautiful daughter while her heart stopped beating,

3 years ago today I held her, kissed her and touched her for the very last time,

3 years ago today I walked out of the hospital empty handed leaving a part of me with her.

Nothing I have ever experienced in my life will ever be as painful as it has been losing Mckenna and learning to live life without her. My whole life changed and not in just the obvious ways, my mind changed, my thinking changed, I physically and emotionally change. I touched places within myself I never knew existed. I am still amazed at the fact that I am still standing 3 years later. NEVER did I imagine I would be where I am today. I remember lying on my floor sobbing, clinging to her pajamas just trying to get through the seconds not even being able to look past the minute. In the past 3 years I have grown in ways I never thought possible. I have learned to laugh and have joy again. I have learned that this is a part of my life forever and that I have to make the decision to continue to move forward. I have learned that there are others like me and I now have a new family. Though it is not the family I would like to be a part of, it is the family I am glad I have.

I MISS Mckenna every single day. Some days it takes my breath away, other days she brings a smile to my face, days can be different from one day to the next. I was so very blessed to have 9 amazingly beautiful months with Mckenna Jodell but I am quickly reminded that I have lived 3 years without her. That is 36 months, or 1095 days. Yes I am very, very thankful for the time I had, but it hurts to know all that I have missed out on raising her, and watching her grow. I see all my friends babies that were born shortly after Mckenna reach their milestones I am reminded, when I see pictures posted of their children I am reminded. I am reminded of the years I have lost and the years I will never see.

Mckenna has taught me more in the her short 9 months and in the long 3 years she hasn’t been here than I learned in my 27 years on this earth. People know her from other countries, people talk about her to friends and family to help them see the importance of television safety, they see a ladybug and she comes to mind. She has touched so many lives around the world and it is my goal in life to make sure she lives on through me. Mckenna will never be forgotten and as her mother I will make sure she lives on.

Mckenna Jodell mommy loves and MISSes you every day. I love you very much my sweet girl. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX never enough hugs and kisses.

Comments

10 Years Without You Mom....

10 years ago today, I experienced the second worst day of my life. I found my mother dead in her bed. Even 10 years later, when I say those words it takes my breath away. I know it's not a very delicate way to say it but it's the truth. I don't relive every detail like I did for many years. For years, following her death, I couldn't get those images out of my head. Every detail from the moment I unlocked the door, to the funeral home taking her away. Each moment played out often. What an absolutely awful day it was. The days leading up to her death also haunted me. I always felt I didn't do enough. She died sad and alone in an apt that was horrible. I had reached a point in her alcoholism of distancing myself. I couldn't handle the heartache and the broken promises and the constantly finding her drunk and the drunk phone calls. I distanced myself and she died. The what if's, the shoulda, coulda, woulda's were ruthless. I still hear her voice the last ti

My treasured last week

Today I have been reflecting on the last week I had with Mckenna. It seems like I can recall every detail of the last week I had her in my arms and thought I would share my last week. My last day with Mckenna Sat Sept 20th : Billy had Mckenna that weekend but left her with Tammy to come move our stuff into storage. I missed her but thankful to have someone to watch her while we moved MOST of our stuff. Sun Sept 21st, 2008 : I worked that day and couldn't wait to get off work because I was getting Mckenna back. Billy dropped her off at my work I waited with her outside for Mare to get done because we rode together. She was happy to see her mommy. Mon Sept 22nd, 2008 : I had started this class at Pheonix college for my CCT at work so I could draw blood and put in and take out foley's. Mare couldn't watch her that day so my friend Lisa took the day off work to watch her for me. I had to wake up extra early to get ready just in case Mckenna was up earlier

Closing the Book of my Childhood...

Growing up I went to my Nana and Papa's house frequently. She would keep us weeks at a time in the summers. Nana was for a grandmother but also didn't take any back talk or attitude. When I was 10 years old, I moved in with Nana and Papa. My room was downstairs, without a door and had the washer and dryer in the room. Eventually they put on saloon like doors for a little privacy. I lived there until I turned 13. Big years living with your grandparents. Vital years really, but I wouldn't have had it any other way. I always felt connected to my Nana. We were a lot a like. I still wonder what she would think of me now and how I turned out. I would help around the property, help plant cactus (and laugh hysterically together after because we were so sweaty and gross), helped feed the animals, water the trees, water the plants, ride my bike all the time. I actually played out doors every day. Sometimes I was allowed to eat ice cream for dinner when no one wanted to c

Ladybug Landing

Search This Blog