Ladybug Landing

It's been one year since becoming a mother again. A mother to a living child and what a year it's been. I never thought I would get the chance to be a mom again. I honestly thought we would be childless and look at Emerson almost daily and think, I can't believe we have a child. Emerson has been such a gift. He brings so much light into my world. I have grown and learned so much since he was born. It's been a year of a lot of growth, trial and error, figuring out what works for me as a mom and how I want to mother. Thought I would share 12 things I have learned this year with my sweet boy. In no particular order.... 1. You can plan and have all the ideas of how you want things to go but those plans don't always go the way you had hoped and you sometimes have to pivot from the plan and learn what works and that's OK.  2. No two babies are the same so no two ways work the same for one child as it did for another.  3. Society "norms" can shove it where th...

10 years ago today, I experienced the second worst day of my life. I found my mother dead in her bed. Even 10 years later, when I say those words it takes my breath away. I know it's not a very delicate way to say it but it's the truth. I don't relive every detail like I did for many years. For years, following her death, I couldn't get those images out of my head. Every detail from the moment I unlocked the door, to the funeral home taking her away. Each moment played out often. What an absolutely awful day it was.  The days leading up to her death also haunted me. I always felt I didn't do enough. She died sad and alone in an apt that was horrible. I had reached a point in her alcoholism of distancing myself. I couldn't handle the heartache and the broken promises and the constantly finding her drunk and the drunk phone calls. I distanced myself and she died. The what if's, the shoulda, coulda, woulda's were ruthless. I still hear her voice the last ti...

I miss writing and said last year that I would start writing more and it never happened so I gave up my other blog because it was costing me money and since I didn't use it I wasted money. So back to my old blog it is.  I am now 5 months into being a mom again and boy has it been interesting. I thought I remembered so much about Mckenna's life, but as it turns out I don't. I don't remember these early months and especially the newborn stage. I guess sleep deprivation might have something to do with that. I feel I am doing things differently this time around and on one hand that is wonderful but on the other it makes me kind of sad knowing I am parenting differently because of my life experience. Mckenna had the young naive mom who went with societal "norms". I must admit that social media has made me feel worse about how I want to parent because it feels like it's the "wrong" way. I didn't have that influence with Mckenna but still must have ...

I started this blog 11 years ago! I would love to get back to writing more. Used to love to write and express my thoughts, emotions and life experiences. It’s very vulnerable to do this type of writing but one of the things I am working on personally is letting go of what others think about me. One of the quotes I heard from AA is "what other people think of me is none of my business." It’s not easy but necessary for my mental health.   I wrote down some intentions for 2022 and Matt pointed out to me that what I put down aren’t exactly measurable. So, I had to think deeply about what those intentions looked like. One of the intentions was to learn to let go. Since that one is not measurable, thought I would share why it’s on my list.   I have a tendency of holding onto what others may think about me, the person they think I am and my intentions. The key word is may think of me. I assume a lot and that gets me into trouble with my thoughts. I get in my head and m...

It has been 12 years since my heart shattered in a million pieces. 12 years since I last held, kissed, and loved on my daughter. In these 12 years I have been to the bottom of a dark hole clawing my way out, to the peak of joy holding onto the light. I never thought I would ever survive her loss. I wanted to die more times than not. I wanted her back so desperately I got lost in the dark for many years. It took time but I have found my way to the light and more days than not are filled with light, joy, laughter and love. Dark days still come and I ache for my daughter, I long for her and desperately want her back, but I have learned to sit in those days and allow grief to wash over me because it’s the love that washes over me too. I honestly welcome those days because in a weird way it’s the days I feel closest to her. Grief is always and forever changing but one thing remains the same and that is love.    It is the first year I have not done a big red and black day. I did not...

Birthdays are for reflection of the years that have come and gone. It’s about seeing the person you have grown to be thus far. It’s a day to see your soul as it is and just be with where you are in this moment in time.  35 years old today! Being 35 is a big deal in my world. As I have been reflecting and thinking of my years that have come and gone, It feels like it has been a blink of an eye and yet also has moved at snails speed. I feel I have lived a lifetime in my 35 years. For many, many years my birthday was hard to celebrate. It was often met with pain at the death of my father the day before my birthday and my mother shortly after my birthday. As time has gone on, I am now able to celebrate the day I was brought into this world. It’s incredibily special to be celebrated by those who love you and are glad you were born.  I grow every day and I learn more about the person I am and the person I want to be. I have spent the last almost 11 years since Mckenna...

Growing up I went to my Nana and Papa's house frequently. She would keep us weeks at a time in the summers. Nana was for a grandmother but also didn't take any back talk or attitude. When I was 10 years old, I moved in with Nana and Papa. My room was downstairs, without a door and had the washer and dryer in the room. Eventually they put on saloon like doors for a little privacy. I lived there until I turned 13. Big years living with your grandparents. Vital years really, but I wouldn't have had it any other way. I always felt connected to my Nana. We were a lot a like. I still wonder what she would think of me now and how I turned out. I would help around the property, help plant cactus (and laugh hysterically together after because we were so sweaty and gross), helped feed the animals, water the trees, water the plants, ride my bike all the time. I actually played out doors every day. Sometimes I was allowed to eat ice cream for dinner when no one wanted to c...

Not long ago one of my soul sister friends said to me, fight for your healing. This has been weighing heavy on my heart lately because I have not been fighting for my healing.   Those who know me very well know that I am kind of a melancholy person. I have always been this way even as a child. I guess maybe I was born this way and when you are born with a certain personality trait it is hard to be anything else. I may not be able to fully get rid of the inner melancholy but I can at least try and find things that bring me out of my shell, things that make me laugh, things that require me to step outside of my comfort zone. Sitting in my room by myself all the time is not healthy (yes I still do this).  Darkness continues to fall upon me more often than not. The older I get the harder it is to wade through the dark to find the light. I try and allow it to come and go but when it comes so frequently I become discouraged and disappointed in myself causing the cyc...

On this day 4 years ago I found my mom dead in her bed. Over the years I have expressed what that moment felt like and still 4 years later there are no words to adequately put to words what that moment was like. I am not sure how it has been 4 years already and I miss her just as much now as I did the day I found her. The grief has shifted and I am able to carry it differently but I still miss her. 4 years ago I was angry with her. Alcoholism is a hard disease to manage when it has consumed one of the most important people in your life. I lost my mom before she died. I lost the mom I knew she was deep inside that dark hell she lived in. I couldn’t save her. It has taken a long time for me to process her death and her life. I couldn’t save her because I was her daughter and she needed to be able to save herself. But I tried my hardest to save her, or I thought I tried my hardest. I still feel I am not able to forgive myself for walking away from her a few days before she di...

I usually use this blog for moments of growth and reflection. Tonight I want to share a moment of grief that caught me off guard. A moment that took my breath away. I was driving home tonight and I was thinking about random things and had the thought of fire fighters and paramedics and what they see in their careers which lead to the memory that took my breath. Over the years and especially in the beginning of this journey I needed to know every detail of the day Mckenna died. I wanted to hear from others that were involved that day, I wanted to hear their stories. I was given the opportunity to speak with the paramedic and EMT. It's actually a really neat story of how it happened but that may be a story for another time. The moment that I was remembering tonight was from the EMT. When I called 911 I was so hysterical that they could not understand what I was saying so they automatically dispatched a code but they did not say if it was an adult or child. The EMT shared that ...

I may have been built from the fire but I was also lost in the fire .  I have been reflecting a lot on my life and where I am today. A few months back I wanted to join the Glendale Fire Crisis Response team again. I felt I was ready to do what I feel I am meant to be doing. I was finally able to do the ride along in Dec and it felt good to be back on the van. I knew it would be a different experience this time around. As an intern it almost killed me (literally). I had the interview and I was picked to join the team again. Again it felt right and felt like “home” to be at the fire station and being part of the team again. They have training classes and in one of the classes I was drowning in memories. Personally I have had the crisis response team show up for 3 different family members and all very traumatic circumstances. I was drowning in the memories of the calls I went on as an intern. All 8 hours of the class I was trying to swim through the memories without them taki...

I did not know what September 27th, 2008 would bring. I was so full of emotions that day, from the moment Mckenna woke up, to the moment I went to bed without her. It's hard to believe how that can happen. How the day can turn in an instant. The drastic changes from the morning to the afternoon to the evening. I did not know that at around 9 am that I would move a TV and it would fall on my daughter. I did not know that at 2:56pm I would hold her lifeless body as she slipped away no longer the joyful, full of life little girl I woke up to that morning. I did not know that I would walk around in a daze wondering what in the hell had just happened going to bed lost and confused. My life was changed on the morning of September 27th, 2008. 8 years ago today I knew what it meant to be brought to your knees begging for your life to end because the pain was just too much to bare. In these last 8 years, I have discovered the depths of darkness I would go. I discovered who would stay...

Lane Graves, 2 years old killed by an alligator in what is supposed to be happiest places on earth. I can't seem to get him or his parents off my mind. Not too long ago I was having a conversation with a couple bereaved mom friends. We were talking about what it means to say to someone, "I can't imagine". One of these beautiful friends Karla Helbert  said that she no longer says those words to anyone after an interaction with a bereaved parent or someone who went through a traumatic experience. Because in reality, we CAN imagine what it would be like to be in their shoes. We CAN imagine what it must have felt like for that father to run in the water desperately trying to save his son, we CAN imagine the parent leaving home not knowing their child ran after them accidently running them over, we can imagine what it must feel like for the parents who discover they did not drop their child off at daycare accidently leaving them in the car, we CAN imagine the mothe...

I have often thought about the analogy of trees and wind. Trees need to be flexible when the winds blow or they would break and not survive the storm. Rigid, stubborn trees trying hard to go against the wind grow tired, weary and broken. Fluid and flexible trees go with the flow of the wind, bending and bouncing back after a storm.  When I began my journey of becoming a social worker I was the stubborn rigid tree trying hard to control everything around me falling apart in the process. This became more of a challenge than allowing the wind to do what it does and go with whatever direction it goes. It was exhausting. I would come unhinged quickly, shut down and not stay with my emotions. Friends have told me that they saw it happen right before their eyes. 2 years ago I started the MSW program. I was fragile, unstable, rigid, shut down, broken and lost. I never thought the day would come for me to get my Master’s. Graduation felt like a million years away. Every class...

As I head into the last few class days of my Master's program I am struck by my impending future and what lies ahead of me, along with being overcome with emotion as I think of the journey that has brought me to this moment in time. I began this process in the summer of 2010 as I finished the classes I could (because it was WAY cheaper) at community college and transferred to ASU in spring of 2011. In the fall of 2011 I began a job at PCH which would forever change my life (still can't believe I worked there). I busted my butt each semester going to school full time working full time (nights, which adds a whole new layer of hard work). I began the BSW in the Fall of 2012 where I did my internship at the Glendale Fire Dept Crisis Response team, which to this day do not know how I survived (worked full time nights Fri, Sat and Sun, had Mon off, school Tues and Thurs and internship Tues night to Wed night) and not afraid to admit I had a few meltdowns during that time perio...

I am often thinking about what I would say to Mckenna if she showed up one day. I wonder how I would react. I am sure I would stand there in disbelief that I was staring at the face I have missed all these years. I want to write her letters but I so often push them aside because I seem to not have the words. The other night I decided to finally write her a letter because her birthday is approaching. It seemed like a fitting time to actually sit down and write to her. I will keep most of my letter private but wanted to share a couple parts that seem to deeply affected me. This time of year is always hard but this year seems to be kicking my ass. I can never predict how the holidays or her birthday are going to affect me. I now am trying to just go with what I am feeling and not try so hard to feel "happy" "jolly" "cheerful" when that is not how I feel deep down in my bones. If I am sad I am sad, if I don't want to participate I'm not going to ...

I have been noticing it more and more and have had a couple conversations about social media and the persona people put out there lately. Social media is an interesting thing. Many times we post about all the good, the perfect picture, the perfect moment in time and yet the behind the scenes of that perfect moment or perfect picture are never disclosed. For example, how many shots it took to get the perfect picture, about the fight that happened just before the "perfect moment". The smiles are deceiving and don't always share the whole story (Trust me I can turn on a smile in a picture and no one would know the pain I am feeling under the smile.) Why is it that when we post about the realness of our lives or how we are really  doing it is seen as weakness or annoying? How people place judgment on a post that is too personal  as if they have never experienced a rough day? Who cares if someone shares their real life, I would rather see authenticity. I too am guilty o...

"I'm so proud of you honey" my mom would say. Thank you I would say back to her, be shy about my accomplishment and move on. I never knew how much I would miss those words coming from her. But I do....a lot. For whatever reason I am stuck on this word proud. You know that feeling you get when you are proud of someone? The immense joy you feel, the smile on their face shining through as they see how proud you are of them? Or the feeling you get when someone is proud of you. How it makes you feel proud of yourself. How it makes you feel loved. I love/d that feeling and yet I am often hit with grief when I see it around  me. I think how I will never hear my mom tell me how proud she is of me or how I will never get the chance to show Mckenna my pride in her. I love/hate seeing parents proud of their children. It's a beautiful thing and yet a hit to the gut. My mom was so full of pride in both of her children and was never afraid to tell us. When I graduated with ...

How does one discover who they are? How do you find yourself when all your identities have been stripped from you? I have found myself struggling with who I am, knowing the core of my soul. Who am I? This is what I know about me.... I am a care taker. Loving and caring more for those I love deeply than I care and love myself. I would literally die for those I love and be ok with that as long as they are safe and alive. I would suffer just so someone else doesn’t have to suffer. I would go with out to give to another. My heart hurts for animals, children, elderly, those who are hurting. I want to help, I want to fix, I want to be there. All of these things sounds like I am a beautiful soul with so much to give this world and yet I feel like I have no purpose in this world, that I am not good enough, smart enough to be what I need to be for others. I am a people pleaser. I am so afraid of hurting others that I would do anything to not hurt them so I often don’t say anythin...

You know, we all oppose animal cruelty. But sometimes we forget that animals on farms suffer and feel pain like all other animals. They, too, deserve to be protected from harm and cruelty.  -- Charlotte Ross When I was a little girl I always felt pain when I saw an animal hurting or even felt bad if I accidentally stepped on an ant hill. I would feel terrible. I didn't use my voice back then to stand up for the animals. For example my Nana had a pig. She warned me what was going to happen to the pig and to not get too attached. Well I ended up naming her Daisy and gave her bathes, loved on her and took care of her. I actually don't remember the moment she was taken to be slaughtered but my family did not help. We would be eating and they would say you know we are eating Daisy then proceed to say things like, "Ashley why did you let them kill me." I'm surprised I didn't become a vegetarian right then and there. I didn't even know what that was and ...