Ladybug Landing

There are over 200,000 words in the dictionary and yet sometimes I find it hard to come up with one to describe what it is like to live day to day without my child. Everyday is different and deserves a different word for that day. Many of my days I have decided that I am just numb to it all. I am detached at times, content some days. So many emotions can happen in just a single day I can go from joyful and content to distant and in a fog . These days I am just feeling empty and numb . I am on edge and anxious . My heart aches and my mind is forgetful . I am distant and discombobulated . I am thankful for the time I had, but broken from the things I am missing. I am tired of feeling this way just plain tired of watching everyone around me get what I should have. I am jealous and envious of those that get to watch their children grow and reach milestones. There are so many words to try and describe what it is like but none of them can do justice to the pain that losin...

Seriously? Why do the holidays always put in a place that I feel I can't get out of? Went to Target today and could feel the anxiety build as everywhere you turn  bam Christmas stuff,  bam little blond haired blued eyed girls,  bam Christmas kids colthes. I could feel the ache in my chest, the tears start to form, the urge to just run away screaming. I never got the chance to shower Mckenna with gifts, I never got the chance to see her face light up with excitment from a new toy, I never got to start a tradition. Christmas should be a happy time of year a time when family gets together, making new memories. Everywhere I turn it slaps me in the face and I can feel her absence all around me. My arms are empty, my heart is broken and I can feel the darkness fall apon me. Oh how I wish I could just sleep through December and wake up like it never happened. All I want for Chrismas is my daughter back, oh only if there was a real Santa Claus..........

Wow! What can be said about the MISS Barefoot Walkabout to Remember??? So many emotions that ran through my body and that came to the surface as I took those painful steps. When we began this walk I was bound and determined to make it to the top and back down completely barefoot. Last time my feet wouldn't allow me to get down to the bottom, and I wasn't going to let that happen this time around. The first steps were a piece of cake and seemed to go much smoother. As I continued up the path I noticed that the only place I was looking was just in front of me and where I was going to step next. I looked at the person in front of me and sometimes I followed their path but other times I went my own way because I saw that her steps weren't where I wanted to go. Step after step I was concentrating so much on just those steps in front of me I forgot to look around me at the beauty. I wasn't looking at the bigger picture. This phrase "the bigger picture" has been...

As I lay in the grass with Mckenna I stare up at the sky. I turn to look at the clouds that seem to be forming as I lay there. I watch as it takes shape and changes little by little. I close my eyes and when I open them it has completely changed. Clouds remind me of life and how fast it can change, clouds can make a sunny day into a dark day, a dark day into a sunny day, a calm day into a stormy day. I am reminded that this is a lot like grief. In one minute you could be having a sunny day when all the sudden the clouds roll in turning your day dark. The wind starts blowing, the rain starts to come down. your afraid you will drown, but just as quickly as it came it is gone. The rain stops, the wind dies down and the clouds slowly disappear letting the sunshine thru until the next storm blows in. Storms come and go and sometimes after a storm it leaves a beautiful sunset reminding you to look at the beauty that the storm can bring, as pai...

When I look at the world around me I am just amazed at how people are so in their own little world they don't take the moments in life to SEE what is around them. When I walk into a store I look at the people around me and I wonder what there life has been like.I wonder what struggles they have faced, what they struggle with everyday. Or I wonder if they have yet had to face the worse things that will happen to them in their life. I look at mothers or parents with their children and SEE how some are so out of tune with their children and wonder if they have ever thought what life would be like without them. If they look at their children and think to themselves how lucky they are that they have them and wouldn't or couldn't live life without them. I too am guilty of just looking straight ahead of me and not SEEing the things around me, but as time goes on I have tried to make it a point to SEE the bigger picture. To SEE the beauty in everyday life when some...

As the week continues and each day passes I am struck by how fast time goes. It has now been 2 days since the 27th. All year long I dreaded the month of Sept because it proves that yes another year has past, yes time does still go on, and yes your daughter has really been gone another year. I can feel it in my body as the day approaches as my mood starts to change and my heart seems to ache more and more. I am still in disbelief that it has really been 24 months, 2 days, 11 hours, 45 min since I last held her in my arms. I am trying to recount this past week and I can honestly say I don't remember last week. I feel like I am still in a fog and my days seem to come and go and I don't even remember them. Not sure it this a good thing or not but I am just going with the flow right now because I think that is all I can do. This year I have to say has been different. The fist year and a half I went around as if nothing ever happened. I pushed my feelings aside beca...

Wow how can it be that 2 years ago we lost Mckenna? Looking back on these 2 years I can honestly say it has been a big blur. 2 years ago I would have never thought I would survive without Mckenna, and yet here I am still living and breathing when some days I wish I didn’t have to wake another day without her.   In the beginning I did what I could to just get by I put on a mask to show that I was “ok” when in reality I was dying inside struggling to breathe each breath because it hurt so much to breathe. I had people in my life that would help me along the way when I needed them but over time that put a strain on my relationships so it was easier to just avoid the pain and live life like it never happened. When in reality it DID happen.   I held my daughter while her heart stopped, I buried my child, I lost the love of my life in a matter of seconds. How could I just cover it up like it didn’t happen? One thing I have learned in these past 2 years is that you can’t avoid the pa...