Skip to main content

How can it be?????

Wow how can it be that 2 years ago we lost Mckenna? Looking back on these 2 years I can honestly say it has been a big blur. 2 years ago I would have never thought I would survive without Mckenna, and yet here I am still living and breathing when some days I wish I didn’t have to wake another day without her.  In the beginning I did what I could to just get by I put on a mask to show that I was “ok” when in reality I was dying inside struggling to breathe each breath because it hurt so much to breathe. I had people in my life that would help me along the way when I needed them but over time that put a strain on my relationships so it was easier to just avoid the pain and live life like it never happened. When in reality it DID happen.  I held my daughter while her heart stopped, I buried my child, I lost the love of my life in a matter of seconds. How could I just cover it up like it didn’t happen? One thing I have learned in these past 2 years is that you can’t avoid the pain that comes with losing a child. The emotions that come along with losing your child are so deep and powerful that avoiding them would be a lot easier but it also makes you avoid all aspects of their life. Like the pure joy of seeing her face, remembering the way she sounded, her soft breath as she slept, watching her videos being so curious and happy, remembering the way she felt in my arms, to the pure torture of what life is like without her here, the thoughts that go through my mind that can bring me to my knees, what it feels like to NOT have her in my arms, all of those emotions are a part of her. So avoiding it is avoiding all of her good and bad. She changed my life in ways that I can’t even try to explain. I lived and breathed for her in life and now I must do the same in her death. She was and is the reason I wake up every day. She is the reason I will help parents that are facing this same tremendously exhausting journey. Now 2 years down this road I am still trying to find a balance between the pain and the joy. This is a tricky balance that is hard to bring together because the things that give you joy also bring you pain. No matter what anyone believes I will be living with this for the rest of my life. She may have only been here for 9 months but she changed me as a person and who I thought I was. I miss her everyday and think of her every day. This is a growing process and it takes a lot of time to find your way and what works best for you. There have been new people that have come into my life that *get it* and for that I am forever thankful. These angel mommies that have been placed in my life are my saving grace. They give me strength on the days that I feel I can’t face the pain, they are on this same journey and know what to say or what not to say because they too are facing the same struggles I am facing. As for the old friends and family in my life I am thankful to them as well because they make me feel *normal* sometimes when I am not sure what *normal* is.  So thank you all for being here for me for the past 2 years. Remember Mckenna today and send her some lovin as she will send her Mckenna lovin your way.

Mckenna mommy loves and misses you with all my heart and soul. I am sending you love to heaven above. Hugs and Kisses baby girl you are missed dearly.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

10 Years Without You Mom....

10 years ago today, I experienced the second worst day of my life. I found my mother dead in her bed. Even 10 years later, when I say those words it takes my breath away. I know it's not a very delicate way to say it but it's the truth. I don't relive every detail like I did for many years. For years, following her death, I couldn't get those images out of my head. Every detail from the moment I unlocked the door, to the funeral home taking her away. Each moment played out often. What an absolutely awful day it was.  The days leading up to her death also haunted me. I always felt I didn't do enough. She died sad and alone in an apt that was horrible. I had reached a point in her alcoholism of distancing myself. I couldn't handle the heartache and the broken promises and the constantly finding her drunk and the drunk phone calls. I distanced myself and she died. The what if's, the shoulda, coulda, woulda's were ruthless. I still hear her voice the last ti
Post a Comment
Read more

My treasured last week

Today I have been reflecting on the last week I had with Mckenna. It seems like I can recall every detail of the last week I had her in  my arms and thought I would share my last week.  My last day with Mckenna  Sat Sept 20th : Billy had Mckenna that weekend but left her with Tammy to come move our stuff into storage. I missed her but thankful to have someone to watch her while we moved  MOST of our stuff. Sun Sept 21st, 2008 : I worked that day and couldn't wait to get off work because I was getting Mckenna back. Billy dropped her off at my work I waited with her outside for Mare to get done because we rode together. She was happy to see her mommy. Mon Sept 22nd, 2008 : I had started this class at Pheonix college for my CCT at work so I could draw blood and put in and take out foley's. Mare couldn't watch her that day so my friend Lisa took the day off work to watch her for me. I had to wake up extra early to get ready just in case Mckenna was up earlier
7 comments
Read more

Closing the Book of my Childhood...

Growing up I went to my Nana and Papa's house frequently. She would keep us weeks at a time in the summers. Nana was for a grandmother but also didn't take any back talk or attitude. When I was 10 years old, I moved in with Nana and Papa. My room was downstairs, without a door and had the washer and dryer in the room. Eventually they put on saloon like doors for a little privacy. I lived there until I turned 13. Big years living with your grandparents. Vital years really, but I wouldn't have had it any other way. I always felt connected to my Nana. We were a lot a like. I still wonder what she would think of me now and how I turned out. I would help around the property, help plant cactus (and laugh hysterically together after because we were so sweaty and gross), helped feed the animals, water the trees, water the plants, ride my bike all the time. I actually played out doors every day. Sometimes I was allowed to eat ice cream for dinner when no one wanted to c
6 comments
Read more