Ladybug Landing

        Dr. Cacciatore has been asking questions on FB about death and today's  question  really got me thinking. Today’s question was "What emotion- what nuanced part of grief -  has been the most difficult with which to cope?"  My response was about shame and me not feeling worthy of unconditional love, joy and happiness because I am responsible for Mcknena’s death. Why do I deserve love when I’m the reason her beautiful soul is no longer here? I now feel I do deserve love, joy and happiness, but it has not been an easy journey getting there. I often hear from others, “it was an accident,” “It’s not your fault,” Many say that they don’t know how I am able to do what I do. They think I am “amazing” for being able to face the challenges I face and do what I do. I often hear, “I can’t imagine,” “I would die if something happened to my child,” “wow, I don’t know how you do it.” I don’t often tell my whole story, I only tell it when I feel the ne...

While driving past New River I always think of my Dad. While going up north and I was thinking of my dad and realized that it will 15 years that he has been gone. That number took my breath away. Each year it seems like I have different emotions when approaching his death day. This year it seems shocking to me that he has been gone 15 years. That just seems impossible. Just saying the number hurts my heart…..How can it really be that long??? Life does seem to just go on when at the time I wished my world would have just stopped. My world was filled with sadness, hurt, anger, confusion. I was a lost 14 year old girl trying to find my way alone. At that time in my life everything was going wrong, a dead dad, an alcoholic mother, a family so far apart from each other it seemed like there was no light, only dark. Life was lonely back then. His death did not bring my family closer together, only drove us more and more apart. I would not go back to that time in my life for...

Death either brings families closer together or drives them apart. On April 25 th my family was brought together because of the sudden death of my brother Pete. I have never received a phone call like I did that day. That call threw me through a loop and caused me to reach within myself and to allow myself to feel, cry and grieve with my family. We made arrangements, saw him one last time and said our final good bye at his memorial all together as a family should. I sat with my family as we cried, laughed, and remembered my brother. It was a tragically beautiful thing because Peter was too young to die, though we came together as a family.  Since Mckenna’s death, and prior to that my family was breaking and growing further and further apart. It felt broken and distant. I felt I was the black sheep of the family, they didn't understand me and my pain, my grief and my suffering. In a lot of ways they still don’t but in a lot of ways I never gave them the ...

The date is nearing, the moment I have been waiting for, for 2 1/2 years, the picture I have had in my head .....walking across that stage...... Most of my classmates are excited, happy and jumping with joy to graduate, but then there is me....My world has filled with the bittersweetness of this moment. Many will not understand how I am feeling, but that needs to be ok. It is hard to even explain how I am feeling and what graduation means to me. This moment is so much more than a diploma, so much more than a degree, so much more than that piece of paper.....it is my accomplishment of learning to move forward without Mckenna. Learning to live again, relearning to be Ashley (who ever that person is). It is the acknowledgement of how far I have come. I am learning to spread my wings and fly, learning to trust the wind. Trusting that voice that guides me in the direction I am meant to be, to not question where the wind is taking me, to just glide along the way and feel when it is rig...

Every weekend as I walk into PCH I am taken back to a time when my world was forever changed. Every weekend as I walk out of PCH I can feel the emptiness I felt the day I walked away from my daughter’s lifeless body. As I walk into PCH I walk past the hallway we walked empty handed without our daughter and it takes my breath away. As I walk out I look down that same hallway and wonder how I ever survived walking out of that hospital without the love of my life. Each and every day I think about Mckenna and some days I can hardly stand the pain that it brings not having her here. The past 2 ½ years I have embarked on an adventure that has made me grow in ways I never thought possible. I have challenged myself and have made it through these challenges a different person. Challenge one, live on my own. This challenge did not start out with intent to be living alone, but that is how it worked out. Never have I felt so alone and lonely than when I would come home to empty. Dark...

This year has been filled with growth beyond anything I would have ever thought possible 4 years ago. This year has given me the chance to feel, to be loved unconditionally, to trust and to become. I am not the same person I was 4 years ago, I am not even the same person I was a year ago. Mckenna’s birthday has been rough this year, but I have allowed myself to feel it and sit with it, without it taking over my existence. A couple weeks ago for the first time I think ever since I started on this grief journey I stayed in bed and cried on and off all day long. If anyone really knows me, knows that me doing this is a rather HUGE deal. A year ago I would not have even consider letting the tears come in fear of what they would bring, pain, but I got through it and the tears did not kill me and the pain did not devour me. I allowed the tears and pain to come because I have the right to grieve. As I was laying there I realized I was wiping my tears away with my dead child’s pajam...

Sometimes people come into your life and completely change how you see things and challenge you and all you are. This has happened to me yet again. Sometimes someone will present a question to me that will make me think. Those are what I call challenge questions. This new beautiful soul that has come into my life did just that. She saw something in me that I never told her and asked me a question that has once again brought on a new challenge. If you really know me you would know that, I like to put myself in situations that make me grow and become. Over the past year I have really gone over the top with challenges. Moving out on my own, working at PCH, doing my internship with crisis response, all of which have made me grow more than I ever thought possible.  When I moved out on my own I was terrified. The empty and lonely really hit me hard and I found myself in such a dark place that brought me to my knees. Though without those experiences I wouldn’t have seen my ab...