Skip to main content

I'm 5 Today.....






This year has been filled with growth beyond anything I would have ever thought possible 4 years ago. This year has given me the chance to feel, to be loved unconditionally, to trust and to become. I am not the same person I was 4 years ago, I am not even the same person I was a year ago. Mckenna’s birthday has been rough this year, but I have allowed myself to feel it and sit with it, without it taking over my existence. A couple weeks ago for the first time I think ever since I started on this grief journey I stayed in bed and cried on and off all day long. If anyone really knows me, knows that me doing this is a rather HUGE deal. A year ago I would not have even consider letting the tears come in fear of what they would bring, pain, but I got through it and the tears did not kill me and the pain did not devour me. I allowed the tears and pain to come because I have the right to grieve. As I was laying there I realized I was wiping my tears away with my dead child’s pajamas that I sleep with. This is something a mother should not have to experience, and it hurts my heart that I am a mother of a dead child. A child who should be blowing out her candles, running around with her friends and family, opening her gifts, being a little girl excited to celebrate her birthday.

I have been trying to put to words how Mckenna’s 5th birthday has made me feel this year and there really are no words to try and express the pain. The pain in my chest, the ache in my stomach and the sadness I feel at just the thought of Mckenna turning 5 years old. How bitter sweet, more bitter than sweet, it was to buy gifts for another mother’s  5 year old little girl while mine is buried in the ground. How hard it has been to plan a party that Mckenna never got to have. The heartache of never knowing what she would look like, sound like, or be like is something a mother should never have to live with. It has been hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that Mckenna would be 5. How is that even possible?? How could she really be 5? I am sure parents of living children feel this way when their children turn 5. The difference is the parents of living children got to watch their child/children grow into that 5 year old. The parents of a child who has died only has their imagination to try and imagine what they think their 5 year old would be like, sound like, their likes, dislikes, all the things parents of living children get to experience.

This year I am going to be spending the day with one of my beautiful soul friends who loves me unconditionally and allows me to be whatever I am and does not judge. We will be doing RAOK, honoring and celebrating the day my beautiful daughter came into my life. Celebrating the day I heard her cry for the first time, held her in my arms, felt her skin on mine, held her hand, and kissed her lips. The day Mckenna brightened my world like I had never experienced before in my life. I am the person I am today because she chose me to be her mother. Yes this month has been rough, yes I have cried, yes I have been angry that she is dead, but I would not take back those moments with her to save my life. I would never take her back in order to save me from this pain, it is because I love her so very much, that I feel so very much pain.

Happy 5th  birthday my beautiful Mckenna Jodell. You still amaze me with the love you show, the people you bring into my life and the signs you send. I will never forget the day you came into my life. I will never forget the moment I saw you for the first time. I could not believe that you came from me and that you were mine. Oh how I wish you were here to celebrate your 5th birthday the way you deserve. I love you from the bottom of my soul and miss you just as much. You are loved, MISSed , and NEVER forgotten. Many will be remembering you today and always. HUGE hugs and LOTS of kisses XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX <3 <3 <3 <3 <3



Comments

  1. Joey C JohnsonDecember 27, 2012 at 11:01 AM

    Happy Birthday Mckenna! Hugs and love to your beautiful mama! Thinking of you both today and if the snow calms down so I can go out safely, I will be doing a RAOK in your memory birthday girl! <3

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Graduation, Weeping Willows and Love

I have often thought about the analogy of trees and wind. Trees need to be flexible when the winds blow or they would break and not survive the storm. Rigid, stubborn trees trying hard to go against the wind grow tired, weary and broken. Fluid and flexible trees go with the flow of the wind, bending and bouncing back after a storm.  When I began my journey of becoming a social worker I was the stubborn rigid tree trying hard to control everything around me falling apart in the process. This became more of a challenge than allowing the wind to do what it does and go with whatever direction it goes. It was exhausting. I would come unhinged quickly, shut down and not stay with my emotions. Friends have told me that they saw it happen right before their eyes. 2 years ago I started the MSW program. I was fragile, unstable, rigid, shut down, broken and lost. I never thought the day would come for me to get my Master’s. Graduation felt like a million years away. Every class...
Post a Comment
Read more

I Would Have a 7 Year old...Sigh

I would have a 7 year old, a 7 year old!! Sometimes that thought fills my heart with sadness. How could she be dead? How could my baby girl be dead? I watched a short video of her last night and it’s hard to believe that she was mine. It’s hard to believe that I gave birth to this amazing, beautiful, curious, old soul. I have often said I can’t imagine my life without Mckenna. I live everyday without her. I still cannot visualize never having her, never knowing her, never holding her, kissing her, loving her, as my life would not be the same without her ever existing. I may not have made the best decision staying with my ex husband back when I knew he cheated, however, if I had left him then I would have never had her. That is not a thought I can even begin to imagine. I would make the same choice if I had to live it again because she was worth the pain I went through all those years.  I miss my daughter, I miss being her mom, I miss my life as a her mom, she was my pa...
Post a Comment
Read more

Closing the Book of my Childhood...

Growing up I went to my Nana and Papa's house frequently. She would keep us weeks at a time in the summers. Nana was for a grandmother but also didn't take any back talk or attitude. When I was 10 years old, I moved in with Nana and Papa. My room was downstairs, without a door and had the washer and dryer in the room. Eventually they put on saloon like doors for a little privacy. I lived there until I turned 13. Big years living with your grandparents. Vital years really, but I wouldn't have had it any other way. I always felt connected to my Nana. We were a lot a like. I still wonder what she would think of me now and how I turned out. I would help around the property, help plant cactus (and laugh hysterically together after because we were so sweaty and gross), helped feed the animals, water the trees, water the plants, ride my bike all the time. I actually played out doors every day. Sometimes I was allowed to eat ice cream for dinner when no one wanted to c...
6 comments
Read more