Ladybug Landing

Sometimes people come into your life and completely change how you see things and challenge you and all you are. This has happened to me yet again. Sometimes someone will present a question to me that will make me think. Those are what I call challenge questions. This new beautiful soul that has come into my life did just that. She saw something in me that I never told her and asked me a question that has once again brought on a new challenge. If you really know me you would know that, I like to put myself in situations that make me grow and become. Over the past year I have really gone over the top with challenges. Moving out on my own, working at PCH, doing my internship with crisis response, all of which have made me grow more than I ever thought possible.  When I moved out on my own I was terrified. The empty and lonely really hit me hard and I found myself in such a dark place that brought me to my knees. Though without those experiences I wouldn’t have seen my ab...

The MISS Foundation Conference has a way of re-charging your life. Some may think I am crazy for saying that for me going to a conference for parents whose children have died is some sort of a vacation. Not in the sense of relaxation (because believe me you are far from relaxed), but a sense of peace. Peace being surrounded by those who "get it", peace knowing you don't have to say a word and they "get it", and some might be surprised but being able to laugh. Learning about others beautiful children and be honored to know them  I was able to be Mckenna's mommy for 3 very long days, to talk about her and not feel judged. To have people come up to me and tell me that they remember Mckenna and tell their friends and family about the dangers of televisions, to know that Mckenna has touched so many lives is a bittersweet peaceful moment for me. So many children, so many lives lost, so many MISSed.  This is my second conference and it was far different from...

I am not sure I can even begin to explain what yesterday was like for me, but I am going to do my best....I did not sleep well the night before like I thought I would. The night before I told Mckenna's story to a beautiful soul friend and I felt like I could breathe again. There are times I feel the need to tell her story, to go to that place that is constantly replaying in my head. The swirling of memories, the images, words, the details I don't speak about very often. I woke up in a panic. I paced my apartment searching, wondering, lost, and breathing fast not knowing what to do. This pacing thing is kind of new for me. I have been told it is very primal and an instinctive reaction to the loss of a child. Pacing is all I could do because I was crawling out of my skin missing, longing, and yearning. I found it hard to breathe because each breath seemed to be taken from me. I kept repeating in my head, 4 years, how can it be 4 years? Where have the years gone? 4 years, I j...

4 years, or 208 weeks, or  1,460 days I have been without my daughter. I am finding it hard to put to words how this makes me feel. Recently I started reading the journal I started after Mckenna’s death. This journal was given to me by a friend at Mckenna’s funeral, and I am so very thankful she did such a kind thing for me that day. As I started reading I felt as if I was reading someone else’s words, someone else’s tragic story. Each page filled with sorrow and pain that no mother should ever have to endure. I thought to myself, this poor mother, how has she survived this terrible, tragic death of her beautiful daughter? I didn’t recognize the women in those words. Oh but then again I do because that woman is me. The days when it hurt to breathe, hurt to wake up, hurt to think, hurt to laugh. The days when I wished to die, to never wake up. The days I couldn’t grieve and couldn’t feel. As each month passed it was like I was getting further and further away from the on...

    Two years ago I walked into an advisors office at ASU to talk about where to begin the process of getting into ASU's Social Work Program. What classes I needed, what to do to get in, the path of when I will be taking each class and what semester. I looked at that and saw the year I will be finished with my BSW and thought to myself, that's so far away. Well I am now starting my senior year and in 9 short months I will offically be a social worker. I can't not explain in words how incredibly excited (bittersweet) and proud I am. When I walk across that stage in May I am going to be filled with such emotion, because it's not just a degree for me, my internship is not just an internship, its so much bigger than that. The blood, sweat and TEARS I have been through to get to this place in my life is a BIG deal. It is an acomplishment that last year I never thought I would achieve. I am so blessed to have people in my life th...

Last night I finally had to face what I have feared since starting at PCH.....a child with injuries due to a television falling on them.  I was floated to a different floor. When looking at my assignment I noticed a lot of traumatic brain injuries listed (this happens to me a lot). This always breaks my heart and I am always curious of what happened to them. I went about my daily routine, I go and get report from the nurses. The last nurse I came to starts giving me report on one of the patients. As she is giving report I asked what happened to the child and she said, "a television fell on her head" I said, "say that again" because I wasn't quite sure I understood. At this point I am holding back the strong emotions, fighting the tears and wanted to run and never look back. I immeditatly go to the breakroom because I could feel the panic and tears building. I stand there for a moment trying to figure out what to do. My mind is racing a million mil...

I have never loved someone the way that I love Mckenna. I have never MISSed someone the way I MISS Mckenna. I have never felt the pain I feel MISSing Mckenna. My soul has been scarred from the pain. There are no words to describe what this life feels like to live everyday without my one true love. How to navigate through all the emotions that you face. Living with the responsiblity, the blame, the memories. I have been on this journey for 3 years 6 months and 13 days and yes I have learned more in this time than I have in my 28 years on earth. Yes I have come so far in my grief from even just 6 months ago, but the MISSing is the same. The ache in my chest, the knot in my stomach, the shivers down my spine, are all still present. I am planning a birthday celebration for my dead child, those words should not come out of a mother's mouth. I should be tucking her in at night, watching her grow and learn, teaching her the alphabet, learning her letters. I should be a mom to her on e...