Ladybug Landing

I am sure there are people in my life that wonder why I "still" continue to be a part of The MISS Foundation. Why I would continue to "still" dedicate my time to them. Well let me explain why it is so very important to me. I started going to The MISS Foundation support group in March of 2010. I knew about MISS from the beginning but thought it was for different kinds of baby loss, so never got involved. I had some support in the beginning after losing Mckenna, but not many that I felt truly safe with. My life had fallen apart and there was one person that I could trust to see me cry, express my thoughts and hold me while I sobbed on the floor. My support kind of dwindled in time and because of circumstances my safe person could no longer provide me with support, so in many ways I was trying to "deal" with it on my own. After some time of doing this I was in a very, very dark place. Having flashbacks, panic attacks, dark thoughts, horrible visions, which ...

Lonliness can be a powerful emotion. There are days that I am ok being alone, being by myself, able to sit with myself in my empty apt. Other days I struggle to make sense of how I got to this place of lonliness. There are two types of lonliness I am facing. There are days I am working and all I hear are other employees talk about their kids. My kid did this, my kid did that, their pregnancies, their life with their children. I am no different than them because I too have stories, and memories but the difference between them and me is that they get to go home to their children. I come home to an empty apt. The empty apt that should be filled with Mckenna's presence, her voice, her arms around me, her hello mommy, her kisses, her smell. This feeling is almost unbearable sometimes. The pit in my stomach, the ache in my chest, the emptiness in my heart. There are days I wish so hard for her to be there when I get home, that I think sometimes it will come true. There are days ...

There are people that come into your life and they change you forever. They open their hearts and soul to you and are in your life at just the right moment. Sometimes those relationships are just that, in the right moment. I have some of the most amazing people in my life. The people who love me unconditionally and love me for ME, ALL of me. I don't come with terms and conditions. There are times in my life that I can't live the way others feel I SHOULD be living. I can only live for the life that I AM living. I wake up everyday to an empty apt, I go to work, I go to school, I "live" my life the best way I can. Even though it has been over 3 1/2 years since Mckenna, I STILL grieve for her. I am STILL consumed with her because she was my daughter, IS my daughter. Many can not imagine losing a child. Many can not imagine going through what I and what others are living everyday. Sometimes I can't believe I am living this life myself. I am who I am and that is a...

What is it like to attend a memorial service for a patient? What is it like to attend your very first memorial service since Mckenna’s death? How do you look at a broken hearted momma in the eyes for the first time after caring for their daughter? It isn’t easy going to a patient’s memorial, especially a young girl who died so young. It is especially difficult when it is your first service since the death of your own daughter. I chose to go to the service held at PCH since I could not attend the funeral because I needed to hug her mom. It was all I could think about since I heard the news of her daughters death. I saw her open the door and my heart dropped; there she was broken hearted, with such sad eyes. I sat there holding my breath trying to hold my tears as I watched her sob in the arms of people who loved her daughter and loved her. I finally gave her a hug and whispered in her ear, I know you are overwhelmed, just take it one min at a time sometimes one second when that is ...

(At least trying) How has my voice become so silenced? When did I let fear of judgment take over? Why did I allow what others think of me control my thoughts and actions? My life has been a roller coaster ride for many years now, and I am not sure how I let others influence me so much. Almost 3 ½ years ago my life was forever changed. I never thought I would never survive the death of Mckenna. But here I am and doing the best I can. I live on my own, I own my own car, I work full time, and go to school full time. Yes I have rough days, yes I cry, yes I am sad, but is that really a bad thing? Is 3 ½ years too long to “still” have really rough days? I think the answer to that question is NO!!! Many people have told me they couldn’t imagine losing a child. They would just die if one of their children died. What do you think that tells someone who’s child has died?? I often wonder what they would REALLY do if one of their children died. How would they be if they were in my sh...

If you really knew me you would know that: 1. I MISS my daughter EVERYDAY!!!! 2. I can put on a smile though I am dying inside. 3. I am funny (sometimes) 4. I am sensitive to words. 5. I love deeply. 6. I am shy. 7. I can sit in silence for hours and not notice the quiet. 8. I don't cry very easily at sad, happy, bittersweet movies. 9. I am very independent. 10. I miss the old days. 11. I struggle with judgement. 12. I avoid painful memories. 13. I don't cry often. 14. I love romantice comedy movies. 15. I love Disney movies. (Belle is my favorite) 16. I don't like steak. 17. I don't like bacon. 18. I love to cook (but don't anymore). 19. I sleep with Mckenna's pajama's every night and don't travel anywhere without them in my carry-on. 20. I care too much 21. I worry about what other people think. 22. I struggle working at PCH more often than people know. 23. Sometimes I have anxiety when it rains 24. I forgive but NEVER forget ...

When your a child all you want to do is grow up and make your own decisions, live your own life and not answer to anyone. What we don't realize as children in how complicated life is the older you get. Having to work, pay bills, juggle work and family life, juggle relationships, friendships, worry about so much more than whether or not you can go outside and play with your friends. As I have grown older life has been more than complicated. I have been through a lot in my 27 years on earth and I know since I have survived the unthinkable I can get through anything, but sometimes the smallest things can bring me to my knees without warning. I am always surprised by my reactions to some of the smallest bumps in the road. I often wonder if it is because there are so many open wounds that I have not allowed to heal, because healing some of the wounds causes so much pain. These past few weeks I have been in a fog and in not such a good place. I hardly remember the months of Sept, Oct a...