Ladybug Landing

Forgiving someone doesn't come easy, asking for forgiveness is hard to do and forgiving yourself is almost impossible. I have heard this word "forgiveness" for almost 2 1/2 years since Mckenna's death.  "You need to FORGIVE yourself, it wasn't your fault, it was an ACCIDENT." What people don't understand is no matter the fact that it was an ACCIDENT it truly was my fault. It was because of my actions of moving the television that Mckenna is no longer here. I am responsible for my daughters death. Until this past January I could not "forgive" myself. How could I let myself off the hook for killing Mckenna? Well what I have come to learn in this journey is that yes I am the one that moved the TV, yes I am the one responsible for taking Mckenna's life but it was an ACCIDENT. I DID NOT intend for this to happen, I DID NOT do this on purpose, I made a MISTAKE yes a very BIG MISTAKE, but I have taken responsiblity for what I have done a...

Just imagine for a  moment you wake up one morning with your beautiful, healthy, full of life baby girl. The day goes on like it is supposed to. Then suddenly you make a decision that will change your life FOREVER. You turn a TV too far and it falls on your precious child. You pull your lifeless child from under this massive television knowing in your heart that she won't survive this.                      Just imagine for a momen t holding your beautiful baby girl with tubes coming out of every part of her body knowing these were the last moments you are going to hold your baby while her heart was still beating. Then the doctor coming in telling you " we have been watching her heart on the monitor and we think it has stopped, so I am going to check" she places the stethoscope on her tiny chest and looking you into your eyes with tears in her eyes saying "she's gone".              ...

2 years 4 months and 1 day ago my life completely changed. I entered a world that I never knew existed, a life that I wouldn't wish upon anyone even my worst enemy. On my journey I have learned a great deal about myself and I am still learning and *becoming* the Ashley that I must have chosen to be. In the beginning of this grief journey I never, ever thought I would be where I am at today. When I would lay on my bedroom floor curled up in a ball sobbing asking for my daughter back, asking why, saying I can't do this anymore not wanting to take another breath, I couldn't see past my pain. I couldn't see past that hour or min let alone think years down the road. But as I sit here today and I look back on how far I have come I am in amazement. I am still breathing, I am still here, I have survived these past 2 years 4 months and 1 day without the love of my life. The roads are not easy, they go up and down, they have unexpected curves, they have huge mountains and somet...

How do I put to words how much I hate that TV? How do I describe how it felt to destroy it? When I first laid eyes on the television it lierally took my breath away, it was the first time I had seen it since that day. It was much bigger than I remember and all I could think was my poor, poor baby girl. I have wanted to destroy the televison that killed Mckenna for over 2 years and I finally got the chance this past Sunday. I couldn't get rid of it or sell it because I couldn't fathom a family watching the TV that took my child's life. When the day finally came to destroy the thing that took her from me I had so many emotions going through my body. I was scared, nervous and had flashbacks all morning. I was curious to see how I would react and how I would feel when I was done. I decided to to take it out to the desert to destroy it so I could shoot at the screen to make sure it would be easier to break. First shot cracked ...

Sometimes there are people in your life that you don’t realize are the people you need the most. You try so hard to get the love and support from people that just end up not being what you need or what you thought they were. It’s the people who love you unconditionally that go unnoticed. I have always known my family loves me but never did I realize how much my sister in law loves me till this morning. I know people think about Mckenna and love her but never mention her to me at random. They don’t tell me a memory or tell me how much they miss her. I know a lot of people don’t know what to say or they don’t want bringing her up to make me sad or cry. But the smallest thing like ladybug cookies to show me that Mckenna has not been forgotten and that they love her and miss her has made my heart smile. Such a simple and kind gesture has me at a loss for words really. So take the time to remember someone’s child by doing a random act of kindness in their name or just call them and tell ...

Three years ago today on December 27 th , 2007 a little girl, Mckenna Jodell was born into this world and she changed my life in ways I couldn’t have ever imagined. That morning at midnight my then husband and I went to the hospital at 1230 am to be induced. On the way to the hospital I was full of excitement and a little scared but more excited than anything. I remember thinking we are gonna get to see our baby girl, the little girl that was kicking inside me and pushing on my insides. We started the induction at 2 in the morning and by 3 I started to feel the contractions, by 8 I was in full labor and man it was way more intense than I realized. I went 15 hours when I got an epidural at around 6 pm, they broke my water and gave me pitocin. I was laying on my side when I told my nurse I was feeling a little bit of pain on my side and she said she should check me since it had been awhile. When she checked me she said she didn’t feel any cervix and felt Mckenna’s head was right there....

Well the dreaded days are approaching and I seem to grow more and more distant from my feelings about the significance of the next few days. As families are preparing for Santa Claus to come I am sitting alone in my room missing my daughter. Day dreaming about what it would be like to watch my 3 year old open presents, What toys she would love the best, if she would be waking me up at some crazy hour in the morning telling me Santa came, telling me he ate the cookies and drank the milk, seeing the excitment on her face. But no instead I will wake up that morning to an alarm clock and get ready for work and take care of patients for 12 hours hoping it will take some of the ache away. Then 2 days later I will celebrate Mckenna's 3rd birthday with some friends making cards and taking her a birthday cake. Not the way I ever expected to spend her birthdays or Christmas's. I feel more alone this Christmas than I have for the past 2 years. The first year I was still so very...