What A Road It Has Been

2 years 4 months and 1 day ago my life completely changed. I entered a world that I never knew existed, a life that I wouldn't wish upon anyone even my worst enemy. On my journey I have learned a great deal about myself and I am still learning and *becoming* the Ashley that I must have chosen to be. In the beginning of this grief journey I never, ever thought I would be where I am at today. When I would lay on my bedroom floor curled up in a ball sobbing asking for my daughter back, asking why, saying I can't do this anymore not wanting to take another breath, I couldn't see past my pain. I couldn't see past that hour or min let alone think years down the road. But as I sit here today and I look back on how far I have come I am in amazement. I am still breathing, I am still here, I have survived these past 2 years 4 months and 1 day without the love of my life. The roads are not easy, they go up and down, they have unexpected curves, they have huge mountains and sometimes just small hills, they have rocks and boulders, stickers and heat but even in those roughest roads there are roads that have flowers, rainbows, sunsets, sunrises, the smell of rain, singing birds. There is beauty that I couldn't see before because my grief was overwhelming me. I still live with it everyday and I STILL and ALWAYS will miss her and have days that I can't get past the pain but they come further apart and don't last as long as they use to. I see that Mckenna's life still has a purpose and she is living through me. I can hear her in my head whispering "Mommy I'm here" to remind me that I am doing what I am meant to do. More people know about my amazing, wonderful, beautiful little girl who not only changed my life, but changed so many other people's lives. I will continue to honor Mckenna and I will continue to work towards my goal because I want my daughter to be proud of me. She deserves to be remembered and until the day that I take my last breath and I am reunited with her I will continue to have her live through me.

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10 Years Without You Mom....

10 years ago today, I experienced the second worst day of my life. I found my mother dead in her bed. Even 10 years later, when I say those words it takes my breath away. I know it's not a very delicate way to say it but it's the truth. I don't relive every detail like I did for many years. For years, following her death, I couldn't get those images out of my head. Every detail from the moment I unlocked the door, to the funeral home taking her away. Each moment played out often. What an absolutely awful day it was. The days leading up to her death also haunted me. I always felt I didn't do enough. She died sad and alone in an apt that was horrible. I had reached a point in her alcoholism of distancing myself. I couldn't handle the heartache and the broken promises and the constantly finding her drunk and the drunk phone calls. I distanced myself and she died. The what if's, the shoulda, coulda, woulda's were ruthless. I still hear her voice the last ti

My treasured last week

Today I have been reflecting on the last week I had with Mckenna. It seems like I can recall every detail of the last week I had her in my arms and thought I would share my last week. My last day with Mckenna Sat Sept 20th : Billy had Mckenna that weekend but left her with Tammy to come move our stuff into storage. I missed her but thankful to have someone to watch her while we moved MOST of our stuff. Sun Sept 21st, 2008 : I worked that day and couldn't wait to get off work because I was getting Mckenna back. Billy dropped her off at my work I waited with her outside for Mare to get done because we rode together. She was happy to see her mommy. Mon Sept 22nd, 2008 : I had started this class at Pheonix college for my CCT at work so I could draw blood and put in and take out foley's. Mare couldn't watch her that day so my friend Lisa took the day off work to watch her for me. I had to wake up extra early to get ready just in case Mckenna was up earlier

Closing the Book of my Childhood...

Growing up I went to my Nana and Papa's house frequently. She would keep us weeks at a time in the summers. Nana was for a grandmother but also didn't take any back talk or attitude. When I was 10 years old, I moved in with Nana and Papa. My room was downstairs, without a door and had the washer and dryer in the room. Eventually they put on saloon like doors for a little privacy. I lived there until I turned 13. Big years living with your grandparents. Vital years really, but I wouldn't have had it any other way. I always felt connected to my Nana. We were a lot a like. I still wonder what she would think of me now and how I turned out. I would help around the property, help plant cactus (and laugh hysterically together after because we were so sweaty and gross), helped feed the animals, water the trees, water the plants, ride my bike all the time. I actually played out doors every day. Sometimes I was allowed to eat ice cream for dinner when no one wanted to c

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