Ladybug Landing

Three years ago today on December 27 th , 2007 a little girl, Mckenna Jodell was born into this world and she changed my life in ways I couldn’t have ever imagined. That morning at midnight my then husband and I went to the hospital at 1230 am to be induced. On the way to the hospital I was full of excitement and a little scared but more excited than anything. I remember thinking we are gonna get to see our baby girl, the little girl that was kicking inside me and pushing on my insides. We started the induction at 2 in the morning and by 3 I started to feel the contractions, by 8 I was in full labor and man it was way more intense than I realized. I went 15 hours when I got an epidural at around 6 pm, they broke my water and gave me pitocin. I was laying on my side when I told my nurse I was feeling a little bit of pain on my side and she said she should check me since it had been awhile. When she checked me she said she didn’t feel any cervix and felt Mckenna’s head was right there....

Well the dreaded days are approaching and I seem to grow more and more distant from my feelings about the significance of the next few days. As families are preparing for Santa Claus to come I am sitting alone in my room missing my daughter. Day dreaming about what it would be like to watch my 3 year old open presents, What toys she would love the best, if she would be waking me up at some crazy hour in the morning telling me Santa came, telling me he ate the cookies and drank the milk, seeing the excitment on her face. But no instead I will wake up that morning to an alarm clock and get ready for work and take care of patients for 12 hours hoping it will take some of the ache away. Then 2 days later I will celebrate Mckenna's 3rd birthday with some friends making cards and taking her a birthday cake. Not the way I ever expected to spend her birthdays or Christmas's. I feel more alone this Christmas than I have for the past 2 years. The first year I was still so very...

My daughter Mckenna Jodell was born on December 27 th , 2007 and so full of life. Her presence would light up the room she was in, so happy and always smiling loving to explore the world around her, I would love to hear the sounds she made because each new sound put a joyful look on her face. She was a very vocal baby and had lots to say, she loved to listen to way it sounded when she would bang a toy on the ground especially the dog bowl also liking to taste it too, I loved listening to her light breaths as she slept, the way she would put her thumb in her mouth right after a bite of food making a huge mess all over her face, the look on her face in the mornings when I would go get her from her crib, her Mckenna lovin that would melt my heart. Her curious spirit taking everything in, the way she loved water and would splash and spin in a circle in the tub, she loved her bath time, she made my life full and complete. On Sept 27 th , 2008 my world turned gray and broke my heart into a ...

There are over 200,000 words in the dictionary and yet sometimes I find it hard to come up with one to describe what it is like to live day to day without my child. Everyday is different and deserves a different word for that day. Many of my days I have decided that I am just numb to it all. I am detached at times, content some days. So many emotions can happen in just a single day I can go from joyful and content to distant and in a fog . These days I am just feeling empty and numb . I am on edge and anxious . My heart aches and my mind is forgetful . I am distant and discombobulated . I am thankful for the time I had, but broken from the things I am missing. I am tired of feeling this way just plain tired of watching everyone around me get what I should have. I am jealous and envious of those that get to watch their children grow and reach milestones. There are so many words to try and describe what it is like but none of them can do justice to the pain that losin...

Seriously? Why do the holidays always put in a place that I feel I can't get out of? Went to Target today and could feel the anxiety build as everywhere you turn  bam Christmas stuff,  bam little blond haired blued eyed girls,  bam Christmas kids colthes. I could feel the ache in my chest, the tears start to form, the urge to just run away screaming. I never got the chance to shower Mckenna with gifts, I never got the chance to see her face light up with excitment from a new toy, I never got to start a tradition. Christmas should be a happy time of year a time when family gets together, making new memories. Everywhere I turn it slaps me in the face and I can feel her absence all around me. My arms are empty, my heart is broken and I can feel the darkness fall apon me. Oh how I wish I could just sleep through December and wake up like it never happened. All I want for Chrismas is my daughter back, oh only if there was a real Santa Claus..........

Wow! What can be said about the MISS Barefoot Walkabout to Remember??? So many emotions that ran through my body and that came to the surface as I took those painful steps. When we began this walk I was bound and determined to make it to the top and back down completely barefoot. Last time my feet wouldn't allow me to get down to the bottom, and I wasn't going to let that happen this time around. The first steps were a piece of cake and seemed to go much smoother. As I continued up the path I noticed that the only place I was looking was just in front of me and where I was going to step next. I looked at the person in front of me and sometimes I followed their path but other times I went my own way because I saw that her steps weren't where I wanted to go. Step after step I was concentrating so much on just those steps in front of me I forgot to look around me at the beauty. I wasn't looking at the bigger picture. This phrase "the bigger picture" has been...

As I lay in the grass with Mckenna I stare up at the sky. I turn to look at the clouds that seem to be forming as I lay there. I watch as it takes shape and changes little by little. I close my eyes and when I open them it has completely changed. Clouds remind me of life and how fast it can change, clouds can make a sunny day into a dark day, a dark day into a sunny day, a calm day into a stormy day. I am reminded that this is a lot like grief. In one minute you could be having a sunny day when all the sudden the clouds roll in turning your day dark. The wind starts blowing, the rain starts to come down. your afraid you will drown, but just as quickly as it came it is gone. The rain stops, the wind dies down and the clouds slowly disappear letting the sunshine thru until the next storm blows in. Storms come and go and sometimes after a storm it leaves a beautiful sunset reminding you to look at the beauty that the storm can bring, as pai...