Today as I was visiting Mckenna I watched a father tend to his son's grave. It struck me and I couldn't help but watch this father showing his love for his son. He was cutting the grass around the headstone making sure it was perfectly cut, putting everything in its place, moving things around just a bit to make it perfect. I found this so touching and yet so heartbreaking. This is his way to parent the son who is no longer here for him to parent. When he was finished he took a step back looking up at the sky, then looking at his son's spot rubbing his eyes fighting back the tears. I felt like I should look away because this was his time with his son and so personal but my heart broke for him. This is not the way things are supposed to be. Your not supposed to bury your child they are supposed to bury you, your not supposed to make sure their graves are perfectly kept and well cared for your supposed to watch them grow. It is so unfair on so many levels that he has to go visit his son's grave, that I have to visit Mckenna's grave, that I have had to see 3 babies burried next to Mckenna in 2 1/2 years. My heart breaks for each and every one who has lost a child, because it is a pain that is undescribable, unimaginable, and forever lasting. Thinking about this father who has to go to bed tonight without his son.
I have often thought about the analogy of trees and wind. Trees need to be flexible when the winds blow or they would break and not survive the storm. Rigid, stubborn trees trying hard to go against the wind grow tired, weary and broken. Fluid and flexible trees go with the flow of the wind, bending and bouncing back after a storm. When I began my journey of becoming a social worker I was the stubborn rigid tree trying hard to control everything around me falling apart in the process. This became more of a challenge than allowing the wind to do what it does and go with whatever direction it goes. It was exhausting. I would come unhinged quickly, shut down and not stay with my emotions. Friends have told me that they saw it happen right before their eyes. 2 years ago I started the MSW program. I was fragile, unstable, rigid, shut down, broken and lost. I never thought the day would come for me to get my Master’s. Graduation felt like a million years away. Every class...
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