Ladybug Landing

This is my reality, this is in my head every day, this is my memory of the day and night that I lost my mom….. I call you, no answer (you will call me back) This is your new pattern, don’t pick up, don’t call back (slow worry sets in) Call again (why aren’t you answering? Please pick up) Continue on with my day (call mom again later, you will answer, you're just napping) Call again, no answer (What the hell mom why aren't you answering…….you're fine, probably drinking) Go to my internship, worry on the back of my brain Call again, no answer (ok this is not like you mom, please answer your phone so I know you’re ok) Call Brandon, maybe he has heard from you (nope, well shit, you're ok, you have to be ok) Driving home (I will check on you tomorrow) Nope tomorrow is too long, check on you now. (you're ok, I know you're ok) Put the key in the door, deep breath Lights are off, TV is on. I slow...

I have been on this journey of going to school in Houston for months now. It has been my every focus and thought since Aug/Sept. I wanted to go to Houston so bad because it was what I felt I needed. It was a clean start with a great opportunity to grow and step outside of my comfort zone and get a great education. I went for a visit last month and to be honest I wasn’t overly impressed with Houston. The school was beautiful and old and the social work program is rather impressive. There were things I liked and things I didn’t like about the program, but overall it seemed to be a good program. Though I struggled with Houston as a whole. The city, the people, it was all very overwhelming for me and kind of discouraging. I came home not as excited and was kind of disappointed. Ever since coming home something about it didn’t feel right. This past week I have felt somewhat lost and nervous about feeling this way after all these months of making these plans. Then I had a conver...

For years people have said to me, “it’s not your fault”, “don’t blame yourself”, “it was an accident”, and those words have always hurt me. Many may not understand why it would hurt me but many do not know what it is like to kill their daughter…unintentionally. Those words may be uncomfortable for others to hear or even say, but they are truth, they are my truth. I did not intend for the accident to happen, I did not drop the television on purpose, I did not mean to kill my daughter, but it is what happen…unintentionally. My hands moved the tv that fell on my daughter, the tv that took her life. I have replayed what happened in my head thousands of times, the moment that changed my life forever. Many could not comprehend what it was like to have this vibrant, happy, healthy, beautiful baby playing, following me around carefree because she had nothing to fear and the next she is laying under a television that you moved….gone in a matter of seconds. That moment has taken my brea...

I had written a blog for the new year but it just didn’t seem to feel right, so here is my reattempt. 2013 was a year of joy, loss, grief, sadness, sorrow, happiness, growth, empowerment, disappointment and pure love. It will go down in history as one of the most challenging years of my life. That being said the words that keep coming up are growth and living. Looking back on my moms’ death I have come to see or have chosen to see it this way, that my mom has given me the gift of life. Yes she gave birth to me, but it runs deeper than that. My mom faced a life of many challenges that started at the tender age of 4. From that moment on the beautiful, innocent little girl grew up and was lost in a world that slowing spun out of control. My mom wanted so much out of life, she was so beautiful, loving, compassionate, giving and full of love, but with so much pain and sorrow in her heart it was hard for her to see the light. Her life was sad, and lonely, (I so wish I coul...

Not even really sure where to begin on explaining this new adventure I am going to be embarking on (fingers crossed anyway). After the summer I had I had to dig deep and figure out how I was going to “pull up my boot straps” as my mom would say. How I was going to not let the magnitude of so many overwhelming, scary, sad, terrible things that happen devour my existence. Well when I put it out there that I day dream of attending the University of Houston for my masters in social work, I got a response that I wasn't expecting. I guess that was my push to really research and figure out how to pull it off.  Would I really be able to attend a college out of state??? Could I really move to a city on my own not knowing anyone??? Can I really do this??? Well I have not felt so drawn to something like this is a long time. That overwhelming force of, “that is where you are meant to go” feeling I get when I push and challenge myself. I figure if I can work in the sa...

Hi my name is Ashley and I am a mother, daughter, sister, niece, cousin, aunt and friend. I am sensitive and get my feelings hurt easily. I am respectful of my elders and to people in general. I am a loyal and honest friend who would drop what I am doing to come help you. I am broken hearted and sad most of the time. I day dream about the future, but question if I will live long enough to experience it. I sometimes don’t feel worthy of love. I often wonder who would love me and why would they love me. I question where I belong in this world. I have friends, but each of us are in different places in our lives that it’s hard to know where I fit into their lives, and theirs into mine.  I’m a bereaved mom. I try very hard to live this life and become someone and make a life for myself that doesn’t always reflect the fact that I have a dead daughter. I am discovering that, that is impossible. I have a dead daughter and that isn’t going to change. She is my life and how can ...

On the night before starting my weekend of Mckenna being with my ex-husband’s family, I held Mckenna as she fell asleep in my arms. I looked down at this beautiful little girl as she took deep sleep breaths; I was in awe of her perfection. How big she was getting and how I needed to treasure that moment in time because it wasn’t going to last forever. Though in that moment I did not realize that the next time she would be in my arms like that would be as her heart stopped beating……. Two by two family came to say their goodbyes, their broken hearts written on their faces. They gave her one last kiss, one last touch, one last I love you. The last two people leave the room, just Mckenna, Billy and me alone. I look down and see blood on my arm from the pressure monitor, I’m talking to her, Billy comes and tells her how much daddy loves her and kisses her forehead, then suddenly our last moments with Mckenna alive were gone. The Dr came in and told us, “we’ve been watching...